stories and questions

In my attempt to become more familiar with the emergent church and the ideas floating around it, I've picked up this book that I found at a local Christian bookstore. It was market down to 5 buck on sale. So far I've read the introduction and the first chapter. Immediately it's easy to see that the people writing in this book are tired of the typical American institution of "church" and are looking for it somewhere else. I've discovered in other books and a few podcasts the recurring themes of story and question. People who would associate themselves with emergent seem to value the telling of stories, their own and others. Also, there is a need to be able to ask questions, even about, or maybe specifically about, understanding doctrine.

I'm already starting to identify with the people in this book because they want to be able to find a place where it is safe to asks questions. A place where it is safe to ask questions about homosexuality, about faith, about knowledge, without being labeled a liberal or backsliding in your faith. I want to ask questions without the pretense that we already have perfect understanding of the answers. I think in some cases I've been allowed to be inquisitive, just as long as I admit that I won't change my mind about what everybody must agree is the truth.

What I begin to see, rather quickly, is that there is a strong force, even in myself, to stay away from questions about core beliefs. I think this force is fear. It's fear that I might change my mind, fear that I may disagree with a whole institution and fear of the consequences of that. Fear that I'll be outcast and considered lost. Maybe these fears are good in some sense. I mean, if I truly believe something there is no reason why I should question it all the time just for the sake of questioning, is there?

Maybe what I'm feeling is that I'm afraid that I am unaware of how deeply I believe something until it gets questioned and I am not allowed to wrestle with that questioning and still be considered a good Christian. Or maybe I'm afraid that if I am questioning I can't prove to myself that I'm a good Christian because the whole standard for our institutional church is something that I've really bought into to the point that my own security depends on it.

So what is my story? What is my actual testimony? I'm afraid that if I was to have a small group discussion on this topic instead of my acquired knowledge of Christianity and faith, that perhaps it would be a short one. Not because God hasn't done anything in my life, but because I've grown up in a system that says my understanding and position on certain truths and my ability to communicate them intellectually, is more important than how I've experienced and been shaped by those truths.

What's next? I want to find a group of people that can discuss all of these things without fearing a prayer intervention to protect my wavering salvation status. I also want to be more bold about initiating this with people because I know that my own fear of being insecure in myself is greater than being deemed an outsider by others. Perhaps that connects to my concern towards the emergent church, there seems to be a rejection of the modern church but the response is not to stay and interact with those still there. We have to distance ourselves before we can blame the group that we were apart of.