last night I dreamt of...taste?

Actually, I didn't. And that was an epiphany this morning. While driving to drop of Tina at a friend's house we both shared the dreams that we had last night. Mine was filled with people from church in Loyalton playing all sorts of music up front and pretty much just jamming with one another. Tina couldn't quite remember hers but it included trying to get her bike back from a shop and getting a tri-tip sandwich. I asked her how it tasted and she said she didn't know because she didn't eat it. Then my mind was practically struck by lightning as this thought entered my consciousness, I've never tasted in any dream. I'm pretty sure that's the only sense that I've never experienced in a dream. This has to be some sort of breakthrough discovery to which the authorities of Dream Forensics (too much CSI) must be alerted. Has anyone ever tasted in their dream?? Fascinating, eh?

a little nerdy

I came across this interview this morning and watched about 20 minutes of it. Really it's for nerds only. Steve Jobs and Bill Gates sitting next to each other and talking about Microsoft and Apple, competition and relationship. There are a few gentle jabs and some friendly fire, but both guys are stinking smart and very professional. They seem to like each other and joke back and forth. It reminds me that all the fanfare at the Apple Expo's is just that, fanfare, it's for the people. When Jobs goes all charismatic it's to make the sale. It seems these guys are just two geniuses who love what they do. Here's one of the videos. These guys are easily the two biggest faces of technology in America and I'm blown away by the amount of innovation they possess. One last comment: I think Gates has about 1000 times as much class as Donald Trump, considering he's probably that much more wealthy.

havalina railroad co

Tonight I was reminiscing with one of my friends about all the old Christian music that we used to listen to; I'm talking about way back in junior high. I thought I'd try to find some samples for him online and in the process came across this treasure: the Havalina Rail Co. The summer after my freshman year in college I lost about 72 CDs that made up my entire musical collection that I had built since about 7th grade. That collection started with, wait for it, seriously you can't possibly believe me but it's true, Shaggy - Boombastic. For real, and I'm totally prepared to stand behind that purchase, but I digress.

During that time in life, the time when I started to actually listen to music, I began to collect a random selection of little known Christian artists, some of which made it big, like Jars of Clay or Switchfoot, and some which didn't, like Chaos is the Poetry or the aforementioned Havalina Rail Co. I think Havalina Rail Co was the first CD I bought that opened me up to more non-traditional, well, non-mainstream music. There are some haunting songs in Russian Lullabies that make me think of the Decemberists. I think of that album as the beginning that has led to an appreciation for folk artists like 16 Horsepower and other (non-folk) artists like Bright Eyes and Dispatch.

Anyway, the point of this post was to get everybody, all four of you, to download the music of Havalina Rail Co. cause it's free and I like it.

A last comment: The first solo I learned on the guitar was the intro for Twilight Time.

another book

That's right, I finished another book. Shoot, maybe this is just the first I've finished of all that I've mentioned. Last night after not being able to sleep because of...well, issues, I decided to trek through the remaining pages of this book. It only took me about six months to read this.

I think this book has had the greatest effect on me of all that I have read in the past five years, probably because it's the most self-validating for me. The author's voice is my voice, one that is constantly analytical, and in the end, flawed. I love the idea that Quality is the cause/creator of everything and it must remain undefinable, because whenever it is defined, a part of it is lost and it ceases to be the first cause. I had a two hour discussion with my friend Amos on the way back from Vegas at about 2am all about the book and how it applies to spirituality and Christianity. I miss those types of conversations.

I realize that the reason I enjoyed the book so much was because it was just like one of those 2am conversations. It was like having a friend who thought and processed the same way as I do and whenever I wanted to discuss life I could just open the book. Perhaps that's why I'm feeling a little sad to be finished reading it. Now I'll have to wait for another couple of months or so in order to have one of those fulfilling conversations. One that I don't have to entirely initiate and carry the weight of in order for it to continue. I think one of the things that brings me the most sadness is not being able to communicate. I want somebody to initiate the long 2 hour conversation where all we talk about is ideas. This is my love language and although it may seem dull, it is what brings me greatest joy. It's how I feel like I've connected with someone, talking about things bigger than ourselves, marveling about great concepts, trying to bring them into practicality without loosing their greatness. It's my attempt at experiencing Quality. Without it I feel alone.

stories and questions

In my attempt to become more familiar with the emergent church and the ideas floating around it, I've picked up this book that I found at a local Christian bookstore. It was market down to 5 buck on sale. So far I've read the introduction and the first chapter. Immediately it's easy to see that the people writing in this book are tired of the typical American institution of "church" and are looking for it somewhere else. I've discovered in other books and a few podcasts the recurring themes of story and question. People who would associate themselves with emergent seem to value the telling of stories, their own and others. Also, there is a need to be able to ask questions, even about, or maybe specifically about, understanding doctrine.

I'm already starting to identify with the people in this book because they want to be able to find a place where it is safe to asks questions. A place where it is safe to ask questions about homosexuality, about faith, about knowledge, without being labeled a liberal or backsliding in your faith. I want to ask questions without the pretense that we already have perfect understanding of the answers. I think in some cases I've been allowed to be inquisitive, just as long as I admit that I won't change my mind about what everybody must agree is the truth.

What I begin to see, rather quickly, is that there is a strong force, even in myself, to stay away from questions about core beliefs. I think this force is fear. It's fear that I might change my mind, fear that I may disagree with a whole institution and fear of the consequences of that. Fear that I'll be outcast and considered lost. Maybe these fears are good in some sense. I mean, if I truly believe something there is no reason why I should question it all the time just for the sake of questioning, is there?

Maybe what I'm feeling is that I'm afraid that I am unaware of how deeply I believe something until it gets questioned and I am not allowed to wrestle with that questioning and still be considered a good Christian. Or maybe I'm afraid that if I am questioning I can't prove to myself that I'm a good Christian because the whole standard for our institutional church is something that I've really bought into to the point that my own security depends on it.

So what is my story? What is my actual testimony? I'm afraid that if I was to have a small group discussion on this topic instead of my acquired knowledge of Christianity and faith, that perhaps it would be a short one. Not because God hasn't done anything in my life, but because I've grown up in a system that says my understanding and position on certain truths and my ability to communicate them intellectually, is more important than how I've experienced and been shaped by those truths.

What's next? I want to find a group of people that can discuss all of these things without fearing a prayer intervention to protect my wavering salvation status. I also want to be more bold about initiating this with people because I know that my own fear of being insecure in myself is greater than being deemed an outsider by others. Perhaps that connects to my concern towards the emergent church, there seems to be a rejection of the modern church but the response is not to stay and interact with those still there. We have to distance ourselves before we can blame the group that we were apart of.