I hate that I sometimes write two or three sentences and then think about how it's going to be read, then delete them and start over. I hate that I hold back even on a blog where only about four people really know who I am. I buy the illusion that if nobody actually knew who I was then I could say whatever I wanted, but then I realize that none of the stuff I said would even matter.
So what do I want. I censor myself all the time but what I really want is to be totally uncensored and be accepted. Let's get real general real quick: that's what everyone wants, to be exactly who they are and have that be enough.
I've been challenged recently, usually in the form of some sentence packed neatly between mouth fulls of random conversation. I'm hungry for some hard truth. I think I actually crave some righteous discipline. I want somebody to have some word for me, a hard one to say, but a good one with some mustard on it. (Bendemire, if you ever read this, I got that from you.)
I want to hurt again, but with a purpose. Not the hurt for the sake of pain, but the hurt for the sake of healing. Maybe this is my blue period, but I'm living with the paradigm that good quality life soon comes at the expense of risk and cost now. That's generic, but not to be confused with "no pain, no gain."
I just read part of a friends blog who doesn't know that I am aware that she is the author. It's ridiculously honest and my heart longs for the same authenticity. I saw it in a woman this weekend that we blessed as she left IV staff to go to Nigeria, I believe, to help run an orphanage or something. This woman, ironically also mentioned in my friends blog, possesses the same authentic quality where the moment you here her speak and her eyes see yours, you know deep down this is the real deal.
Both of these women seem amazing to me because although I know they struggle with being real and honest about themselves, they are beyond me and I cannot deny how much I could learn from them. They both have my deepest respect. I trust my life in their hands.
What's confusing for me is understanding how I feel about that. I don't know what to call it. It is an attraction, but more like a..... Here, it's like I know that if I would follow this crazy light it would lead me to the source and it is through my craving for the source that I am delighted in them. This delight in no way compares for my desire for the source, yet it is still a good delight because I know that it is one bestowed on them by the source.
Hm.
A Crowd-Sourced Christmas
6 years ago
