Wednesday, April 25, 2007

at the gym...

Instead of powering through the last bit of the talk I'm working on for Friday, I've decided, this is an opportune time to break the long silence that has fallen over this blog.

So I was just at the gym and this is who I see. Well, not this guy exactly, but plenty of guys that look just like him. This gets me thinking. This gym is just like how I too often view ministry. I'm sitting here looking at my own arms, my legs and thinking, what am I even doing here. I'm stuck out here on the machines because I can't get myself to go through the opening in the corner of the gym that leads into the holy sanctuary of free weights. I ventured over there today and quickly dodged the glances from Sven and Butch by pretending I was on my way to the water fountain. Yeah, that's what I need, more water. I'm overcome with this feeling; I don't belong here. I'm not fit, at least as not as much as this guy is. I don't have my six-pack or hair gel pass.

This is how being a Christian feels sometimes. I look around and think that I don't belong here. Look at all this sin around my midsection. I've got no stamina when it comes to faith. Sure I know how to clothe myself so that I look all spiritually buff underneath, but throw some weights at me and I just crumble in fear that somebody will see that I'm only lifting 120....okay 100.

Part of my wishes that Jesus would just show up and ask me to go jogging. Let's get the heck out of here, there are other ways to git fit. But how do I explain this to all the other Christians. I always get the same questions: "So how much are you benching these days? How many sit-ups can you do? How many souls have come to Jesus through your ministry? What big event have you pulled off and had written about in the last regional update?" If I'm not in the gym there's no way to answer these questions. What's scary is that I know I can't always tell if the voice asking these questions is coming from those around me or if it's all in my own screwed-up pride-damaged mind.

What bothers me most is the fact that I want to become this guy pictured right here. I really do. For now, I'll think of ways to either bring him down or dismiss him, all the while secretly wishing I was just like him.

Sure, I'd also like to break out of here and run far far away from the whole system, but out there is the unknown. Is it really faithful if nobody else recognizes it? Is it really progress if I'm the only one who feels it? Is it really authentic if nobody understands?