discipline

I don't have it. I simply can't seem to squelch my desire to be spontaneous, especially when it requires less planning and organization. I have a hard time believing that all my personality traits are inherently "okay." So what do I accept as "that's just the way I am" and when do I say "I don't care if you've been like that your whole life, it sucks and you should change.?" Is conviction really conviction if you don't do anything about it? Is that the difference between knowledge and understanding?

Does it matter that I can't consistently update a blog? Does it matter that I again started something only to let it slip away because it no longer was appealing because it went from spontaneous to organized? If it's just a web site I say, in the words of a great man, "Blow it off." But what if in my quest for spontaneity (motivated by laziness?) I inadvertently become consistently idle. How does somebody change? Is it through discipline? What if you aren't disciplined?

I'm afraid that if I decide to attack a certain characteristic by becoming mechanically disciplined I'll loose all sense of spontaneity and deny my adventurous nature. Ultimately, I'll afraid of being bored. Which, ironically, due to lack of planning and organization, I am currently suffering from boredom during the holidays which has driven me to write this post. It's like a self-defense mechanism that always throws me back into the game, even if I don't get to handle the ball. There some ridiculously merciless force that won't allow me to get out of the game, even when I don't want to play. At this point I'll stop before I loose myself in the obscure land of analogy and allegory. I was being redundant for the sake of alliteration, is that okay even if the words are used entirely with correctness? Who cares, happy freakin' New Year.