Saturday, September 16, 2006

chaos vs. whatever is it that other people do

I am not a planner. Let me rephrase that: I make plans, but I never actually expect then to happen. I don't mean the whole, never have expectations so that you never get disappointed, which is actually never admit that you have expectations and then when those don't get met, pretend like your not disappointed, stuff it down deep inside you and wait until it finally bursts out and either ruins a relationship or remains inside but turns you into a bitter monster.

No, I have plans, I have expectations, but I'm just used to them getting changed. Let's stay on the surface here. I'm talking about plans like you and me and Jeremy will meet at 2:00 and then go do this and then this which fits perfectly into the allotted time that we have before the babysitting is up. But then, inevitably, You, Me, and Jeremy becomes You, Me, Jeremy, Peter and Steve. And 2:00 becomes 2:30 and maybe even a little later. And if we're lucky, we still get to go play nine wholes instead of 18.

This I am used to. I admit, I even am often the instigator of such "transformations" to the plan. Let me just say for the record, I realize that this totally irritates those who are much better at keeping to the plan. I'm sorry. I apologize. I'm working on it, but part of me, deep down, has already accepted the fact that this will probably never change about me. It's something that I think is good in some cases, and not so good in others.

Now, let's try to par today huh?

Monday, September 04, 2006

at what point does this become fake

Every Sunday I think about this, which probably speaks more about my own spirituality and self discipline than anything else, why don't they just give in and buy a sign? I know the intentions are good and this totally works for people. Shoot, it works for me, when I am feeling totally reverent to somebody or something, I guess I stand. But here's the confusion: The only other time that I can think of in this culture when we stand is at concerts or at the end of performances or a show. I know that many of the people in church are from a different generation than myself and have it built in that standing up is a sign of respect. So, if me standing up at church during worship is only to stand in unification with those worshippers who stand, I'm all for it, and for all I know, that should be as far as I think about it, now accept it and move on.

But there seems to be something more, at least I like to make something more out of it. Somewhere, deep down, I feel manipulated. Is it just my ego saying, "Hey, I'm an individual. I make my own choices, I'm not feeling the spirit enough to raise my hands right now, so I'm not going to"? Is it my fear saying, "If you don't stand you are less spiritual, and everybody else is taking notes right now and you will forever be known as the rebellious punk who thinks he's too good to stand up, we should pray for him." Or, this one's my favorite, because it requires no conviction or repentance on my part, it's my amazing discernment saying, "This is not authentic worship. Not everybody worships this way. It's forcing people to only express themselves through this culture's traditions and
instead of creating members of the body, it's creating conformists who have the inability to truly experience communion with the Father."

This isn't fooling anybody that may walk in off the streets, which they probably wouldn't because they'd have to get through the maze of new construction, welcome tents, and registration cards where they will be made to feel like everybody is so nice to me but I bet it will only last as long as this forced five minute conversation and then I'll just learn to act like I know where I'm going and then nobody will ever say hello to me accept when they are forced to by the infamous 'greet your neighbor' command when again nobody really even knows my name or offers there's after which I feel awkward because when is it socially acceptable in this new group to sit down and can I really even meet somebody anyway in thirty seconds and no I won't raise my hand because I'm new so you can give my your program that's supposed to replace meeting a real person and why is everybody standing now did I miss the sign?? where's the sign?? oh there it is, hey that's helpful.




crikey

I just heard this news on the TV and I am seriously sad. This man seemed so gentle and loving. I'm sure towards the end of most conversations something will slip in about how it should have been expected, but regardless, this is very sad.

Saturday, September 02, 2006

new things

I don't like the fact that I am obsessed with new things. Blame it on our consumer culture or my "that's mine" pride, but it's ridiculous. I can hide the more blatant appearances of the "gotta have it" ego because I simply can't afford it, which makes me feel the ever popular false humility. However, it's always the small stuff that sneaks through my look-like-a-christian filter. This week it's the shampoo and body-wash. I'm one of those people who has never settled on a particular brand, or if I do I'm always checking out the new releases. I've got the old spice deodorant but that Axe looks so cool and have you seen the commercials? Shameless, entirely shameless. I'd never give into such low, women degrading, marketing, but...well I wouldn't buy it because of the commercials, just the price, sure...

But I digress, this is how it works:

For the first time in a long while I actually remembered to get some new body wash and shampoo before I was completely out. I bring it home, but it in the shower, and now it takes every ounce of will power to keep using the old stuff until it's gone. Why is that? Nobody will even know that I'm using the new stuff, but darn it, I want to use it so bad. What's going on here? It's wasteful to use the new stuff, it's not logical, it's soooo tempting though. I don't even know what the temptation is? So of course, I'm using the old shampoo and body wash, and feeling really smug about it, but I'm using it more liberally than ever before. It takes more shampoo now that I just shaved my head, wait that's stupid.

My nature is lame.

Friday, September 01, 2006

cheaper than clubs


I just won these two beauties on eBay; my first disc golf purchase. I've only played four times, all on the same 9-hole course in San Luis Obispo two days before my wedding, but I immediately loved it. I have to clarify that it was the first time that I had played "disc" golf, which is distinctly different than "frisbee" golf, and if you're around serious "disc" people they may throw their "disc" at you if you call it a "frisbee." If the "disc" hits you, you'll immediately learn the difference between said "disc" and a "frisbee." although the "disc" and "frisbee" are often the same mass, the "disc" is smaller and harder and more painful when "caught" by any part of the body. As soon as the "discs" arrive, I'm going to go play here.