back in the states

I get a kick out of the fact that I think it's cool to say the "states" even though I live here and have only travelled out of the country twice, both times shorter than two weeks. It has something to do with my disassociation complex, just distance myself from anything not perfect or interesting as not to be defined by it.

Not much to report. I've intentionally tried to keep from simply writing about my day because I figured a journal of my thoughts on particular things would be better and more challenging for me, but I find that whenever I read someone's blog and all they do is talk about their day, I'm completely memorized. Maybe it's because they're all friends or relatives, but maybe there is something more. I think it's story. I'm fascinated with stories. I don't particularly love it when all people do is talk about things that have happened to them. But I love reading the way people create a picture of their experiences. I'm a very linear story teller and I include a ridiculous amount of details, all of which I find important, many of which others find excessive I suppose.

I realized today that I miss being. I'm spending the weekend with a bunch of friends, one of whom is getting married. Tonight, as we sat around the hot tub taking our turns recalling old SNL sketches we all have seen, I was just me. I didn't have to think about what I was saying, or whether or not they thought I was funny, or if I wasn't there would they miss me. I didn't think about how great I think I am, or how my needs were or weren't getting met. It wasn't that I wasn't thinking at all, I was just entirely in the moment, but even that isn't quite accurate, I was enjoying past memories and imaging our futures as well. I was thinking about God and thinking about my stomach ache and whether or not I have Guatemala to thank for it.

I wonder if this type of "being" is a privilege. I am in Santa Barbara, CA, in a spa. Do I enjoy myself because I'm part of the majority? Does that question assume that those outside of privilege and the majority don't simply enjoy their lives sometimes?

I hope that everyone experiences this. I don't by any means think it's the ultimate thing to achieve, it's just nice, pleasant. I miss this.