find me inspiration

For this post I decided I would try to find some image and then hopefully inspiration would lead me to write some fantastic blog. I think I'm totally misunderstanding the whole point of a blog right now. Ah...screw it.

This is something that I want to be a part of. Ever since I started architecture school I hoped there would be some niche for me. I never felt like I fit in completely with all the other design students. My dad doesn't run his own firm, I've never worked a day in an office, I actually make fun of corporate people. (Except when I'm around my friends who work at big corporate places, but that's another post.) I love to design. Period.

My biggest struggle throughout school was trying to convince myself that architecture isn't just a luxury. It has practical applications for the average person. I want to believe there is power is creating great space. I want to believe that architecture can help transform things. Life is better when there is design. Somewhere along the bridge between art and architecture there is a path that people can walk that inspires change, provides perspective, and allows for a spark that could lead to transformation, even redemption. I've read a book about how the built environment effects the soul. It was convincing and a little "out there." These people see architecture how I want to. So do these.

good sounds

I love this sound. Good harmony, good music, simple sound. Sometimes I wish I was a millionaire just so I could buy all the music that I wanted. I make myself feel justified by how appreciative I am of the creative spirit. Maybe I just want to surround myself with things I like that will in turn justify my own existence and validate my value. That's what I was thinking of the other day. I mean I was thinking about the internet and how there has to be a blog or fan site or club for just about everything. No longer is anyone alone. If you think Harrison Ford should be president, or you always misuse quotation marks, or you're obsessed about when you might die, you can find other people on the web to validate you.

The down side is that the more everything gets documented and broadcast, the more things get labeled, the easier it is to label me and stick me a group with about fifty other people "that are" exactly the same. Which reveals the dilemma I have of wanting to be validated by a particular group, yet not wanting to be defined by all of what gets attached to that group.

My theory is that it is this type of thinking that is one of the primary causes of division in the church. It is also this thinking that causes people to attend church but not get too involved. Our culture perpetuates this thinking and instead of the church sticking to the gospel and portraying the unity of believers, it fragments. Instead of offering a haven to those who are looking to be valued as individuals, it becomes another factory of similarity, a group from which you will be defined in order to be accepted.

Wedding and Warcraft

So this is all I have to show for my months of absence from the blogging scene. No, I haven't been playing this game with the millions of other MMORPGers, although, truth be told, I honestly can't say that I wouldn't want too. For some reason I really love the idea of these games and have a hard time not secretly envying my friends who get good at these games and still retain a somewhat normal level of socializing in the real world. I also secretly fear that I could easily become addicted and become a total escapist.

I'd like to spend this entire blog ranting about how married life is and what a huge step it's been and all of the crazy revelations I've had about life now that what seemed to be it's most incredible goal has been obtained, but I'm still a little confused to be honest. All I have for now is that marriage changes absolutely everything and yet, it doesn't change anything at all. That sounds even lamer that it did in my head. I hate it when somebody says something like that in an attempt to sound deep and profound. Now that I married my conscious has a voice and it says, "No World of Warcraft for you. James, don't give him the password." Bugger.

censorship

I hate that I sometimes write two or three sentences and then think about how it's going to be read, then delete them and start over. I hate that I hold back even on a blog where only about four people really know who I am. I buy the illusion that if nobody actually knew who I was then I could say whatever I wanted, but then I realize that none of the stuff I said would even matter.

So what do I want. I censor myself all the time but what I really want is to be totally uncensored and be accepted. Let's get real general real quick: that's what everyone wants, to be exactly who they are and have that be enough.

I've been challenged recently, usually in the form of some sentence packed neatly between mouth fulls of random conversation. I'm hungry for some hard truth. I think I actually crave some righteous discipline. I want somebody to have some word for me, a hard one to say, but a good one with some mustard on it. (Bendemire, if you ever read this, I got that from you.)

I want to hurt again, but with a purpose. Not the hurt for the sake of pain, but the hurt for the sake of healing. Maybe this is my blue period, but I'm living with the paradigm that good quality life soon comes at the expense of risk and cost now. That's generic, but not to be confused with "no pain, no gain."

I just read part of a friends blog who doesn't know that I am aware that she is the author. It's ridiculously honest and my heart longs for the same authenticity. I saw it in a woman this weekend that we blessed as she left IV staff to go to Nigeria, I believe, to help run an orphanage or something. This woman, ironically also mentioned in my friends blog, possesses the same authentic quality where the moment you here her speak and her eyes see yours, you know deep down this is the real deal.

Both of these women seem amazing to me because although I know they struggle with being real and honest about themselves, they are beyond me and I cannot deny how much I could learn from them. They both have my deepest respect. I trust my life in their hands.

What's confusing for me is understanding how I feel about that. I don't know what to call it. It is an attraction, but more like a..... Here, it's like I know that if I would follow this crazy light it would lead me to the source and it is through my craving for the source that I am delighted in them. This delight in no way compares for my desire for the source, yet it is still a good delight because I know that it is one bestowed on them by the source.

Hm.

homelessness is not a crime

just a quick note...after spending the last week at FUMP (Fresno Urban Mission Project) with a bunch of students I committed to attempting to "establish justice at the gate" Amos 5:15

introspectator

Sometimes I feel so self-conscious it's ridiculous. My friend sent me this cartoon that I thought was really clever-crazy-creative. But I just now realized how much I feel like the person in the cartoon. I'm always stepping back in perspective to see what's going on. After I do something, I step back and look at it. It's like being a soccer player scoring a goal, then stepping back to the person who made the assist, then stepping back to the crowd, the mom, the coach, then stepping back to outside the sports complext and wondering about the people watching, then stepping back to the city, and so on. Eventually you get to great questions about humanity and existance, which for a while make me feel really good because I'm pondering great things. But eventually I desire to kick the ball again and I'm not sure if I can get back there, or if anybody even knows what I'm talking about after all that. Then I fear that maybe the reason I even step out of the game is because I'm afraid, and then I step back to the crowd wondering why is that guy afraid, then I step back to humanity and get lost again. I'm a spiral. Here's the cartoon.

why I love the internet

This is a picutre of an outfit this lady created in order to keep the cow from being abducted. Part of the caption read, "You can't take what you can't see." So true. I stole the picture from this great web site. This is one of the funniest sites I have ever seen. This is what makes the internet so great.

church smurch

Another disappointing Sunday. I find that again I spent the day distancing myself from the "christian culture image." In addition to not wearing faith proclaiming shirts or plastering my car with clever bumper stickers, license plate covers, fish, etc, I sit in a Sunday service and I act like an outsider. This Sunday is another compelling argument to what? To try harder. All we Christians seem to say is that we need to be better at... we need to think more... we need to act more like... we need to actually believe more... we need to be more... But the question I don't ever seem to feel like is answered very well is how. How? I feel like I just sat through a mental bashing that attempts to compel me to be more psychologically conditioned to respond a specific way in an particular situation. That doesn't sound very liberating. No wonder the church is avoided by those who are struggling with anything. They already know they are incapable of psychologically conditioning themselves to do anything. How about the suffering, the addicted, the hopeless, the helpless, the homeless. Our message of trying harder is only a slap in the face. Maybe we throw out a "Jesus is the answer" and it's "by His power we can accomplish all things." But that's the extent of the message. Where's the how? Until the How gets manifested through a loving community that loves first and asks questions later I don't see how anybody would believe that Jesus is worth anything more than a catchy slogan that both isolates and patronizes. And lets not forget the multitude of true believers who instead of being encouraged and blessed, they get a western-ized slap in the butt that disappointingly concedes "try harder next time." Let's teach people to fish, not just tell them they're supposed to be good fisherman.

i'll take that

Riding home from the gym I discovered why I have such a hard time making hard decisions. I had to have passed at least twelve fast food restaurants. Everything I could ever want is at my fingertips. All I have to do is have some money, and I can have whatever I want, however I want it, and there is this whole lower-middle class of people who have to serve it to me. I am in complete control of everything. Until a tough decision comes my way.

Which Christian decided that in every situation there is a right choice and a wrong choice? Maybe it wasn't a Christian, but somewhere in my upbringing I subconsciously adopted that belief. I know it wasn't my parent's fault, they are smarter than that. Somewhere, perhaps my own fallen-pride-arrogant complex, I simplified everything into right or wrong. But that seems to be rarely the case these days. Things are so complicated. I just made a huge decision that had good and bad things, right and wrong, about both options. I chose the one I thought was best. But I chose into loosing control of certain things, and I think that's what both scares the crap out of me and simultaneously gives me the greatest sense of liberty.

Maybe we American's, under the great quest of capitalism and consumerism and purchasing power, are unknowingly heading away from freedom. We are moving towards total control, and total lack of liberty. How ironic we are indeed.

hollow man

It's that feeling when you've stayed up super late and haven't moved for the last three hours. The invention of the computer is weird in that you can do so much without moving anything but your fingers. My mind is telling me that I have just accomplished an amazing task and written someting possibly worthy of being published, yet my body says, "What...uh... you're still awake? Dude, I shut down ages ago. You want me to do what now!!? (do the question marks or exclamations usually go first?? anyone?)"

So here I sit. I'll convince my body to move and go to bed, after I convince it it's not already there.

I'll continue my search for meaning and purpose tomorrow. Now I must sleep.

Feeling Down

I have a complaint to make. It's not acceptable to be sad. Since when is it that? It's like we believe if somebody is sad it's because something is wrong. If something is wrong, it's because there is a problem. If there is a problem, we can and must do everything to fix it. If somebody is sad for longer than, I guess a second, it's because somebody isn't fixing something. Not being able to fix something is wrong. We're American's darn it. We sent people to the moon. We invented light bulbs. We invented penicillin. We can fix anything. Why are you sad? You are not reinforcing the American Dream if you are sad. You are denying our super power to fix everything. STOP BEING SAD!! You're making me uncomfortable. If you were a good person you wouldn't be sad. If you were smarter, you wouldn't be sad. If you just had more faith, you wouldn't be sad.

Maybe if we didn't have a society where the only people who at least pretend to listen charge over $120 an hour, less people would be sad, or at least if they were sad they would feel okay to share it with the group and not fear being an outcast.

remembering

Why is it that whenever I'm trying to think of something I can't remember it: a song I really like and would like to purchase now, a book I'd like to read but the second I entered the library it vanished, what I'd like to get for Christmas or my birthday, which actually is today (although its 1am on what still feels like the 28th), and other things, like how to end a sentence with an actual strong point.

aging

I'm getting older tomorrow. I guess that's how it works. We celebrate birthdays weird here in the west, I guess it's because we disregard the old as useless. Ironic that we are all at a pretty crisp pace heading towards that faithful end towards "uselessness."

I never know what to do for my birthday. Everyone always asks and I never know what to respond. And then they get disappointed if you don't have any good answers. It's like people are disappointed in you for not having planned a huge event and taking advantage of the "Well it's your birthday you should get to do everything you want, right?" clause. Which, by the way, doesn't exist. The moment you invoke it is the moment it disappears.

I'm going to sleep, my writing is starting to stink.

decisions

I realize that I don't really have a process that I follow to make a decision. Well, that's not entirely true; I don't have an intentional process that I follow. All I know is that at some point I'm making a decision and often I don't feel prepared, or worse, I do and I'm still not sure if I'm doing the right thing.

My mom always reminds me of this time when I was a kid. I still remember it as if it were yesterday. I had to choose between going on a week trip with my family that happened every year, one that I really enjoyed, or staying home and going to a friends birthday party and doing some other things. I think it was my first ever big decision. I distinctly remember standing in between our kitchen and the living room and complaining, "Why do I always have to make hard decisions?" I was almost in tears.

Now a decade or more later the only difference is that I don't tear up, at least when anyone is watching. Why do I have to make all the hard decisions? Does it even matter what I do. I won't be crazy, I won't be totally irresponsible, I won't be stupid. Tell me that it really doesn't matter what I do as long as it makes me happy. Tell me that it's okay to just make a decision because God's in control anyway and He's going to make use of you wherever you are. Tell me any of those things and I'll laugh in your face. I don't know. I want to believe that because I thought about something for ten days and then decided something, that that process makes the decision better than if I had decided the same thing with only two days of thought. Now that's crazy.

I'm not smart enough to make big decisions, but I am smart enough, I think, to realize that it's better for me to make them then let somebody else. In the long run, I will be a better person more capable of making hard decisions. My life will be more enjoyable than if I just do whatever the smartest person in the room tells me to do. Maybe the smartest person in the room could tell me and I could just say that's what I was thinking anyway. There I go again wanting my to eat my cake. I want somebody else to live my life, but I want to live it. That's an interesting complex that's got to have some cosmic ramifications. Or I'm just like everybody else.

discipline

I don't have it. I simply can't seem to squelch my desire to be spontaneous, especially when it requires less planning and organization. I have a hard time believing that all my personality traits are inherently "okay." So what do I accept as "that's just the way I am" and when do I say "I don't care if you've been like that your whole life, it sucks and you should change.?" Is conviction really conviction if you don't do anything about it? Is that the difference between knowledge and understanding?

Does it matter that I can't consistently update a blog? Does it matter that I again started something only to let it slip away because it no longer was appealing because it went from spontaneous to organized? If it's just a web site I say, in the words of a great man, "Blow it off." But what if in my quest for spontaneity (motivated by laziness?) I inadvertently become consistently idle. How does somebody change? Is it through discipline? What if you aren't disciplined?

I'm afraid that if I decide to attack a certain characteristic by becoming mechanically disciplined I'll loose all sense of spontaneity and deny my adventurous nature. Ultimately, I'll afraid of being bored. Which, ironically, due to lack of planning and organization, I am currently suffering from boredom during the holidays which has driven me to write this post. It's like a self-defense mechanism that always throws me back into the game, even if I don't get to handle the ball. There some ridiculously merciless force that won't allow me to get out of the game, even when I don't want to play. At this point I'll stop before I loose myself in the obscure land of analogy and allegory. I was being redundant for the sake of alliteration, is that okay even if the words are used entirely with correctness? Who cares, happy freakin' New Year.

Art and Fear

I just started reading a book that I randomly selected at a library titled Art and Fear. I also randomly picked up another book at a different library and read it. It was really short. It was the English translation of the speech that Alexander Solzhenitsyn gave when he received the Nobel Prize. It was quite fascinating. Both talked a lot about Art...sure, with a capital "A". Alex said art will save humanity. I suppose that has a lot to do with how you define art and humanity.

There can't be anything artistic about me sitting here writing this while there are plenty of other things that need to get done. I must get them done. I'll leave you with this quote:

"'Artist' has gradually become a form of identity which (as every artist knows) often carries with it as many drawbacks as benefits. Consider that if artist equals self, then when (inevitably) you make flawed art, you are a flawed person, and when (worse yet) you make no art, you are no person at all!"

Perhaps this is why I hesitate to call myself an artist.

(I'm going to attempt to not use the word "perhaps" for at least 5 posts.)

Renewal

There is such a huge need for renewal. I've decided that I care much more about renewal than something new. I'd much rather see someone who has had a whole lot of crap in their life go through a renewal process than just turn into something new. Well, part of me does. Maybe my theology starts to add some Symantec problems with that statement, but definitional arguments aside, I believe that I prefer redemption to restarting. The whole idea of a second chance is pathetic. A second chance is just another opportunity to experience the failure that's inevitable. Redemption is much more real to me...much more authentic. Deep down that's what I want life to be. I want it to be total recognition of everything that I am and then enough care and love for my identity to be made perfect. I want to be perfect. That's not too much to ask is it?

Be careful what you ask for...

So it's been said many times in the past and aparently for good reason. A couple of days ago I said, "Gee, I wish there was more to what's going on here. I want more than just the normal." Now what I meant to make clear was that I was sick of all the mundane stuff and wanted there to be some greater cause, so greater vision, some greater call for me to follow. Let me be involved with greater things I asked.

Somewhere things got fouled up and what I got was just more crap to do. So why I get what I say and not what I mean frustrates me. Why I get anything at all baffles me.

Today somebody told me that Rome has the longest peroid of peace the world has ever known, it was 200 years. I wonder what it was like.

It's Over

Technically, it's just beginning - However, the prideful resistance to remain separate from the blog world has come to an end, a rather anti-climatic end, which I guess is the end that most, if not all, prideful resistances most enevitably come.

I do admit however that I really appreciate the whole idea of a blog, if anything, the simple concept that hopefully I'll be validating in some form my way of thinking and expression. I love to journal and perhaps the thought that maybe somebody somewhere is finding what I write interesting enough to look at than I'll be more encouraged to write it. I assume that at least for the first few months or years of a blog only close friends will check to read, but maybe that's what I secretly want, is for my close friends to read my thoughts, and then it saves me the effort to do it face to face and be misunderstood.

I wish I wasn't the kind of person who started their first post on a blog talking about blogs and why they are created or what's so great about them. I wish I was cool enough to be able to just start writing something random and be that confident about it. But I prefer honesty over appearance, or at least I'm supposed to and I think that most of the time I really do, so in order to support that I'll make a rule that I'll never delete something that I have written, or decide after thinking twice about what I have said that I shouldn't post it.

Rule 2: Please do the same.

Oh....why sign each blog as "son"? I'm not sure...I guess it's the identity that is one of the most accurate telling who I am, but that I know the least about what it actually means. I'd like to explore more what does it mean that I am somebody's son, so signing each post as that will help me remember.

I just remembered that you will be able to post stuff too, hmm....

A happy congratulations to two of my favorite people as they celebrate a very special occation today. You made the first post.