blogger images

Just a little frustrated with blogger image formatting / my lack of html skill. It took about 10 minutes to get those stupid images to line up on the right like that...

some good movies

Here are two gems that I have had the pleasure of seeing this last week: Brick (2005) and Waitress (2007). Both were excellent. I have been starving for a good movie and was disappointed at my recent I Am Legend experience. I was riveted by Will Smith, but, as everybody is saying, the film can't float solely on Smith's performance. Brick's vernacular was fascinating and witty, providing the path into the "noir" character of the film as much as the setting. It's a great tale of revenge and redemption. Waitress is equally compelling but much more joyful and light. While Brick's momentum is carried by under-the-surface anger and frustration that only gets expressed in a few moments and is never fully released, Waitress' is carried by hope in escape from the under-expressed pain. Unlike Legend, these two films end satisfyingly without being conventional or intentionally unconventional.

So there's my first (minute) attempt at actually writing a film review (not for credit). Keep it coming.

the day after

**about 48hrs ago, our internet has yet to be hooked-up, we'll get to that...**

I'm not so good with these. My life, well everybody's, is perpetually filled with the day after: conferences, meetings, big events, holidays, trips, and the list goes on. Today was the day after. It wasn't pretty. I got less than expected, or even hoped for, accomplished. I had practically no interaction with people. I slept in way too late.

The day after officially sucked. Worst, I can only blame myself. I can't even begin to think about how poorly I steward my time on the day after. I need rest, sure. I need to recoup, fine. But really, I think the world got gypped today and deserves it's 24 hours back. Somebody else could have used it much better. If I believed in purgatory, I'm sure there would be weeks of me to serve to make up for all the days after that had been wasted on getting my act back together.

Better luck next time.

derek webb during service??

Today we an amazing church day. You heard me right. I know those words have probably not come from my lips (fingers in this case) in over 2 years. At our RiverLakes church (you can download the sermon if you want), home to countless white middle-to-upper class peeps (like myself) the service was ended with the worship band singing "I Repent" by Derek Webb. Holy crap!! Let me just take a minute to sit in silence and praise Jesus. The message was on humility and service. How can we say we are Christians, people who are following Jesus, when all our efforts seem to be to climb the latter of success (wealth, comfort, pleasure) when Jesus is going the opposite direction? This was basically the thesis of the message today. I was shocked, what's next? Promoting social justice? Keep it coming.

Next, we have what I've been listening to the last couple of days. This band is incredible. I really like every single song that they play on this album. Thanks to PasteMusic.com for this one. From Like Castanets

"The city silver in the moon.
The mountains heaped with sugar spoons.
The click and clatter of my feet along the crooked, cobbled street like castanets."

The first song on the album is the story of the Monitor versus the Merrimac. Excellent. Come on.

Also, notice the Apple Reflection style image on the above? That's all GIMP baby. I've been learning more and more how to use GIMP and am seriously loving it. Look out Photoshop, there's another Image Manipulation Program (GNU I.M.P => GIMP) in town and what's that...it's free? Brilliant. The latest release of 2.4 is very awesome and after a few hours you can get acclimated from the Photoshop environment. Previous versions have been decent, but this last update is fantastic.

Finally, I wish to point out an update to the box.net widget on the right side of the blog. There are two mp3's that I added of this guy Conrad Gempf. It's amazing storytelling that I heard about a year ago but just recently located in download-able format. Check it out! You can listen directly from the box widget, or you can visit the Emergent UK website and download them for yourself.

what happened??

I posted a bunch of images but some of them disappeared. What happened? Perhaps the content was too explicit. Or maybe I just don't know how to work this thing...

Well, let's try again, this time I'll leave out the butt tree shot.

photography

Here's some shots I took on a super nice camera (thanks Brian and Tammy). Well, all except the last one...

good testimony

"InterVarsity is how I get through my day." Well, at least that's the gist of it. This coming from a student who only months ago came to our group because she was forced to by her friend. Of course, it's not InterVarsity, it's the community that's accepted and loved her with the name InterVarsity that is what really gets her through her day.

Jesus has been trying to teach me how to think about success in ministry. I'm looking for massive intellectual revolution, (or at least conformity to my intellectualism) for cutting-edge discourse and philosophy, and yes, actual outpouring of the Holy Spirit (but in forms that encourage the intellectual and philosophical). I think those things would be success too, but there is more. It isn't "all about the small things" but it is about the small things too. It isn't just about the huge things, but it is about the huge things too.

I understand the concept of the "it is, but it is also" intellectually, but I am in desperate need of testimony to define, expand, and enlighten me. I know for this student, God is not just bringing a social club for her to be accepted in, but an actual community where for the first time she isn't constantly reminded to think about how others are seeing / judging / condemning her. Instead, she is free to feel loved, enjoyed, validated, not by other people, but by a community that recognizes her for who she really is, beautiful.

new music from the library

Have I mentioned that I love the library? If you haven't noticed the new sidebar on the right that's keeping track of the CDs I currently have checked out...uh...take notice.

Today was a big one. Eight CDs, 1 (5th) season of Scrubs, and a Thousand Splendid Suns (the book, sheesh, get to a Barnes and Noble...)

Anyway, in order of my excitement-

1. Alexi Murdoch - Time Without Consequences (uh, Jose Gonzalez meets Jack Johnson, yeah)
2. Something Corporate - North (heard one song on Pandora or iTunes, lets check the rest out.)
3. Daniel Powter - (self titled) (Pandora or iTunes?)
4. The Flaming Lips - Transmissions from the Satellite Heart (Thank you Ryan Miller)
5. Modest Mouse - Good News for People Who Like Bad News (after ...Before the Ship Sank, I was hooked)
6. Fairfield Four - I Couldn't Hear Nobody Pray (O Brother Where Art Thou, anyone?)
7. Coldplay - A Rush of Blood to the Head (thanks Craig Weber)
8. Coldplay - X&Y (well, they had it too)

Still waiting for:
1. Flaming Lips - At War With the Mystics
2. Wilco - Kicking Television
3. Shins - Oh Inverted World
4. Coldplay - Parachutes
5. Wilco - Sky Blue Sky
5. Wilco - Summerteeth
6. Amber Pacific - Truth in Sincerity
7. Bayside - The Walking Wounded
8. Flaming Lips - Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots

Any suggestions? (I await the sarcasm...)

on a lighter note

Just in case the last post got you a little worried about my, uh, quality of life (or something like that), here a more relaxed one.

This game is super fun. Give it a shot. It's got all the requirements for a great online flash game:
1. It is ridiculously simple: design, graphics (simple, but still elegant), concept (never read the instructions)
2. It keeps track of your personal best.
3. You will play it over and over and over (I know I can do better).
4. It will raise your blood preasure as you get so tense and frustrated that you lost on the second level.
5. At first you think, "This music is awesome!" and then "I can't stand the d#*@ music!"

Enjoy, and uh, here's my best so far. I am the man...right?

show me the healing

Ministry is in full swing at B.C. and Cal State. We just put on the first Awakening where both chapters get together for worship and a message. Two weeks of New Student Outreach, seemingly billions of fliers, posters, candy give aways, Volleyball, water balloons, a week of bible studies, prayer, leadership meetings, prep meetings for bible studies, prep meetings for leadership meetings, tables, chairs, worship practices, raw fingers, song research, font finding, powerpoint slides, talk preparation / editing, new faces....and the list goes on.

Where's the healing? where's the making well? where's the changing hearts? where's the discipleship?

I know, no I think, all this stuff in necessary in order to create a place where the questions can get answered...But shouldn't the healing, the changing, the freedom from being trapped in co-dependence, unhealthy relationships, pornography, criticalness, cynicism, gossip, etc...shouldn't that be happing in the midst of ministry.

Trust must be built, and it isn't built in a day, or just a week or two, it takes time. It's early, things are still brand new. But what's the difference between continuing to do "ministry" in order that real ministry (healing/deliverance) will eventually happen, and continuing to do "ministry" and not ever seeing real ministry happen? Is there a time frame, a good, "gosh it's been a month, change everything" limit, I don't think so. Is it about faith, sure it is. Is there maybe something flawed in our pursuit if at the end of the day we say, "Well, I guess nobody was ready for real ministry today." Isn't that essentially saying, "God didn't want to use me for real ministry today." That can't be right, which means either I can't see it or I'm not part of it or both. That's unnacceptable.

I need to pray that God will open my eyes and make me a part of freedom, of healing, of the real gospel. Otherwise I'm going to get so depressed I'll reread the entire Harry Potter series. May it not be so.

my beard

One of the perks of being a guy: I can grow facial hair and still be accepted in society (most of it.)

I think this picture is a little narsisisss...narscissist....narsi...nars...uh...narcissistic. Yeah ninjawords.

is it magic...no

I stumbled across these videos while looking for some djembe lessons online. They are quite hilarious in my opinion. The best part is the announcer. So sit back, relax, and on this 50th post, woo hoo, learn some magic tricks to impress all your friends.


VideoJug: How To Do The Best Card Trick In The World


VideoJug: How To Make A Cigarette Disappear The David Zanthor Way


VideoJug: How To Perform The Alternating Back Card Trick

hope

Tonight Tina and I had a good conversation with some friends over dinner. The topic of most interest was living in community, and more specifically, living intentionally as a community. So here's a dream and we'll see what becomes of it.

Image a lot in the middle of downtown Bakersfield with two houses on it. One small two-bedroom, 1 bath mini-missionary-guest-family house (about 840 sq. ft.), one five-bedroom community house. Paint them both green and do some fix up and we're talking "Green House" in Bakersfield inner city.

The reality is that the lot isn't exactly inner-city, if we even agree that Bakersfield has an "inner" to it, nor is it right in the middle of a residential area. But nonetheless, it sparks an idea of a Bakersfield-type Pink House (Fresno's Inner-City house for Urban Ministry). Our focus this year for campus ministry is Justice and Evangelism, believing the two to be inseparable. Both Tina and I are convicted that although we may be "all-in" intellectually, there isn't much we are doing practically to model this for students, or more importantly, as following where we believe Jesus is leading.

Just ditching everything and moving to the poor isn't always necessarily synonymous with following Jesus, but when the opportunity to take a risk in that direction presents itself, I completely believe that God will honor it, and regardless of the turnout, you learn more about and get closer to Him. Now what exactly that looks like...this?

truth from the onion

I think this hits a little to close to home. I think it's hilarious, but also quite revealing. Anybody else in campus ministry ever afraid of this? I guess it's not all bad, but I don't like the idea that we're that predictable.

Recently Born-Again Christian Finally Has Social Life

GASTONIA, SC-Eight months ago, Larry Dunne was alone.

just for the heck of it.

I just wanted to be able to be a part of the "risers" the next time I'm at a conference and they say, "Stand up if you have ever blogged during a staff meeting." Sorry about that Rob.

back in the states

I get a kick out of the fact that I think it's cool to say the "states" even though I live here and have only travelled out of the country twice, both times shorter than two weeks. It has something to do with my disassociation complex, just distance myself from anything not perfect or interesting as not to be defined by it.

Not much to report. I've intentionally tried to keep from simply writing about my day because I figured a journal of my thoughts on particular things would be better and more challenging for me, but I find that whenever I read someone's blog and all they do is talk about their day, I'm completely memorized. Maybe it's because they're all friends or relatives, but maybe there is something more. I think it's story. I'm fascinated with stories. I don't particularly love it when all people do is talk about things that have happened to them. But I love reading the way people create a picture of their experiences. I'm a very linear story teller and I include a ridiculous amount of details, all of which I find important, many of which others find excessive I suppose.

I realized today that I miss being. I'm spending the weekend with a bunch of friends, one of whom is getting married. Tonight, as we sat around the hot tub taking our turns recalling old SNL sketches we all have seen, I was just me. I didn't have to think about what I was saying, or whether or not they thought I was funny, or if I wasn't there would they miss me. I didn't think about how great I think I am, or how my needs were or weren't getting met. It wasn't that I wasn't thinking at all, I was just entirely in the moment, but even that isn't quite accurate, I was enjoying past memories and imaging our futures as well. I was thinking about God and thinking about my stomach ache and whether or not I have Guatemala to thank for it.

I wonder if this type of "being" is a privilege. I am in Santa Barbara, CA, in a spa. Do I enjoy myself because I'm part of the majority? Does that question assume that those outside of privilege and the majority don't simply enjoy their lives sometimes?

I hope that everyone experiences this. I don't by any means think it's the ultimate thing to achieve, it's just nice, pleasant. I miss this.

from Magdalena Guatemala

¡Hola de Guatemala! We have been here for a couple of days now and really enjoying the people and food. The culture here is very similar to what I experienced in the Philippines, very gracious and generous. We are among the poor and I am reminded of how wealthy I am. Today I was thinking about how much space we have in the States. One of the big problems that Mario says exists here is a lack of personal value or vision for the future. ¨Why bother with education, I´m a poor farmer, I will always be a poor farmer.¨ That sentiment makes me realize how much hope I have in the future. I don´t think about it that often, but I live assuming that in five or ten years I will have something better than I do now. I will be somewhere different or new. My life will have made a difference. The reality is that is probably true, and the sad thing is that I take for granted how easily it can be accomplished. I don´t have to work that hard to gain success. I know so much of that has to do with being white and starting off middle class. It is hard to be proud of working hard to gain success when those here, and the majority of the rest of the world, must work hard just to survive.

Here is a picture of Antigua taken by some photographer. We visited the day before yesterday and I walked underneath that arch. It is a beautiful city, but also very touristy. I like being in places like this, places of poverty, because it challenges how I think about progress. Is progress developing the economy so that people can have nicer things and more space? Or just enough development to ensure there is no hunger? What is the goal here? Is it just to share Jesus? What is progress now if real progress can only happen over many generations? Much to think and pray about.

search for truth

One of the things that seems to be a recurring theme in my thought life is how I perceive truth. This is of course nothing new nor something unique. The only reason I bring it up is because I keep running across the book war that get's waged between different (usually) thinking people, alright, Christian's vs. Culture. It starts with the broader culture and then eventually hones in on truth. This war has brought us such great titles as Harry Potter: Witchcraft Repackaged (vhs) and The Gospel According to Harry Potter. Then the ever popular DaVinci Code vs. the DaVinci Deception. Then we have Misquoting Jesus vs. Misquoting Truth (IVP). And now, finally The God Delusion vs. The Dawkins Delusion. Look closely at that last website address, I think it's pretty funny. Anyway, again nothing new here, I could have chosen plenty of other titles, God knows they exist, usually at least three Christian books in response to whatever evil book get published and becomes successful.

The main reason for these books seems to be that there's the possibility that millions of people are being duped into believing that said book is true, however, they will not be duped if we can get, or trick, them to buy and read the Christian side of the story. But let's just be honest, this never happens. People read whatever books seem interesting to them. Culture produces a fun book that everybody reads, and the the Christian culture responds by writing a book about how the culture's book is flawed. No Christian reads the original book, but can tell you how evil it is. I guess some Christians read the original book, but they don't say anything because nobody listens to them, they obviously are teetering too close to the edge and might fall away from faith at any minute.

But I wanted to talk about truth, which I'm finding hard to do at the moment. I think in order to be understood I would have to spend an entire post setting up ground rules and definitions, which, quite frankly would bore me. Maybe all I want to say is that I almost feel hopeless to have a constructive conversation about truth, but at the same time I want to talk about it. Shoot.

who's that Spartan that's iPhone-ing...

It's me. It's me.

There's the new iPhone in my hand. Don't worry all my supporters, it's not mine. And although I did become embarrassingly giddy while setting it up and playing with it, I do not want one of my own. It's kind of like a ski boat or a beach house. I don't want one of my own, but I love to have friends who have such things and allow me to enjoy them. I've read way to much about the iPhone and kept up with all the hoopla, much to the detriment of my spiritual life. Yet, despite all the whining reviews (all from MSN owned sources??) and the certain shortcoming, I'm freaking impressed, as my face clearly shows.

another informative news segment

I was just talking to Tina last night about how ridiculous the news has been lately. I guess that the only thing happening in the world worthy of coverage is the release of two American icons: Paris Hilton and Apple's iPhone. Bob, I hope you get some sleep out there tonight, that's some tough concrete out in front of the Cingular store.

So ONS was great. It was a little long, bless that Sabbath day, but I'm very thankful for the relationships I got to build. I definitely feel more connected to IV as a national movement.

Here's a really cool site featuring some "light graffiti" which could bring a whole new string of vandalism to a city near you.

how about disc golf

My brother-in-law assures me that this course is extremely tough. I'd say my course score would validate that with an astounding 9 over par. I think it's the altitude or maybe the water that is to blame for my recent lack of finesse in the sports arena. While sport morale continues to suffer, everything else about being here has been fantastic. There is a sense of being at home, that I commented on last Christmas, which continues to grow. I am increasingly convinced of the ability for community to make location unimportant. A great place is awesome. A mediocre place (Illinois), or even a not so great place (Bakersfield?), and perhaps even a terrible place (Barstow? what?) can be the best place to live as long as you have good community. Four years, look out Seattle, we are taking you by storm.

Here's the course.

kicked my butt

I just went down hard, 1-6. My brother in law took me to school this morning at 6:30. It was racquetball lessons for about 2 hours. I kept thinking that if I could get him to keep playing I might tire him out. I was wrong. How humbling, I flew 6 hours across the country and I get walloped. Even my special shoes didn't help me. I've been wanting some new Sambas and kinda eyeing the millennium edition and found some at a thrift store for 12 bucks! My size even. Kinda excited about that.

That's all, I'll post again when I've found my dignity.

a few nights ago at the airport

****at the airport with no internet service****

It's 3:34am. My ears hurt from having the earphones on too long. In about a half an hour the little kiosks will hopefully open up and we can check in for our flight to Peoria. I miss staying up all night, not in the, “Gee, I wish I could do this more often” way, but after doing it I think “Oh yeah, this is what it feels like” and I look back at those painful college memories in the architecture lab with fondness, or maybe I'm just tired.

Instead of trying to sneak in a few hours of sleep and then getting dropped off at the airport at an ungodly hour, we opted for the drop-us-off-now package which includes relentless artificial lighting and the occasional tile Zamboni. I seem to have survived. Tina's out cold with the old sweatshirt on the suitcase move, curse these bench-like-torture machines and their immovable arm rests. Whoever invented these should be forced to sleep on them. Hasn't anyone in airport design been to a movie? Lift-able armrests for the love of the crick in my neck.

And in come the airport staff, what a chipper bunch. I can't feel my legs.

I'm eagerly looking forward to the other side of this flight. It's the Loveridge's in Illinois part 2, our own little summer of sequels, our first trip out was during last Christmas. We'll see if I can't improve my score on the disc golf course.

More to post later, let's go see if those kiosks are up and running yet...

last night I dreamt of...taste?

Actually, I didn't. And that was an epiphany this morning. While driving to drop of Tina at a friend's house we both shared the dreams that we had last night. Mine was filled with people from church in Loyalton playing all sorts of music up front and pretty much just jamming with one another. Tina couldn't quite remember hers but it included trying to get her bike back from a shop and getting a tri-tip sandwich. I asked her how it tasted and she said she didn't know because she didn't eat it. Then my mind was practically struck by lightning as this thought entered my consciousness, I've never tasted in any dream. I'm pretty sure that's the only sense that I've never experienced in a dream. This has to be some sort of breakthrough discovery to which the authorities of Dream Forensics (too much CSI) must be alerted. Has anyone ever tasted in their dream?? Fascinating, eh?

a little nerdy

I came across this interview this morning and watched about 20 minutes of it. Really it's for nerds only. Steve Jobs and Bill Gates sitting next to each other and talking about Microsoft and Apple, competition and relationship. There are a few gentle jabs and some friendly fire, but both guys are stinking smart and very professional. They seem to like each other and joke back and forth. It reminds me that all the fanfare at the Apple Expo's is just that, fanfare, it's for the people. When Jobs goes all charismatic it's to make the sale. It seems these guys are just two geniuses who love what they do. Here's one of the videos. These guys are easily the two biggest faces of technology in America and I'm blown away by the amount of innovation they possess. One last comment: I think Gates has about 1000 times as much class as Donald Trump, considering he's probably that much more wealthy.

havalina railroad co

Tonight I was reminiscing with one of my friends about all the old Christian music that we used to listen to; I'm talking about way back in junior high. I thought I'd try to find some samples for him online and in the process came across this treasure: the Havalina Rail Co. The summer after my freshman year in college I lost about 72 CDs that made up my entire musical collection that I had built since about 7th grade. That collection started with, wait for it, seriously you can't possibly believe me but it's true, Shaggy - Boombastic. For real, and I'm totally prepared to stand behind that purchase, but I digress.

During that time in life, the time when I started to actually listen to music, I began to collect a random selection of little known Christian artists, some of which made it big, like Jars of Clay or Switchfoot, and some which didn't, like Chaos is the Poetry or the aforementioned Havalina Rail Co. I think Havalina Rail Co was the first CD I bought that opened me up to more non-traditional, well, non-mainstream music. There are some haunting songs in Russian Lullabies that make me think of the Decemberists. I think of that album as the beginning that has led to an appreciation for folk artists like 16 Horsepower and other (non-folk) artists like Bright Eyes and Dispatch.

Anyway, the point of this post was to get everybody, all four of you, to download the music of Havalina Rail Co. cause it's free and I like it.

A last comment: The first solo I learned on the guitar was the intro for Twilight Time.

another book

That's right, I finished another book. Shoot, maybe this is just the first I've finished of all that I've mentioned. Last night after not being able to sleep because of...well, issues, I decided to trek through the remaining pages of this book. It only took me about six months to read this.

I think this book has had the greatest effect on me of all that I have read in the past five years, probably because it's the most self-validating for me. The author's voice is my voice, one that is constantly analytical, and in the end, flawed. I love the idea that Quality is the cause/creator of everything and it must remain undefinable, because whenever it is defined, a part of it is lost and it ceases to be the first cause. I had a two hour discussion with my friend Amos on the way back from Vegas at about 2am all about the book and how it applies to spirituality and Christianity. I miss those types of conversations.

I realize that the reason I enjoyed the book so much was because it was just like one of those 2am conversations. It was like having a friend who thought and processed the same way as I do and whenever I wanted to discuss life I could just open the book. Perhaps that's why I'm feeling a little sad to be finished reading it. Now I'll have to wait for another couple of months or so in order to have one of those fulfilling conversations. One that I don't have to entirely initiate and carry the weight of in order for it to continue. I think one of the things that brings me the most sadness is not being able to communicate. I want somebody to initiate the long 2 hour conversation where all we talk about is ideas. This is my love language and although it may seem dull, it is what brings me greatest joy. It's how I feel like I've connected with someone, talking about things bigger than ourselves, marveling about great concepts, trying to bring them into practicality without loosing their greatness. It's my attempt at experiencing Quality. Without it I feel alone.

stories and questions

In my attempt to become more familiar with the emergent church and the ideas floating around it, I've picked up this book that I found at a local Christian bookstore. It was market down to 5 buck on sale. So far I've read the introduction and the first chapter. Immediately it's easy to see that the people writing in this book are tired of the typical American institution of "church" and are looking for it somewhere else. I've discovered in other books and a few podcasts the recurring themes of story and question. People who would associate themselves with emergent seem to value the telling of stories, their own and others. Also, there is a need to be able to ask questions, even about, or maybe specifically about, understanding doctrine.

I'm already starting to identify with the people in this book because they want to be able to find a place where it is safe to asks questions. A place where it is safe to ask questions about homosexuality, about faith, about knowledge, without being labeled a liberal or backsliding in your faith. I want to ask questions without the pretense that we already have perfect understanding of the answers. I think in some cases I've been allowed to be inquisitive, just as long as I admit that I won't change my mind about what everybody must agree is the truth.

What I begin to see, rather quickly, is that there is a strong force, even in myself, to stay away from questions about core beliefs. I think this force is fear. It's fear that I might change my mind, fear that I may disagree with a whole institution and fear of the consequences of that. Fear that I'll be outcast and considered lost. Maybe these fears are good in some sense. I mean, if I truly believe something there is no reason why I should question it all the time just for the sake of questioning, is there?

Maybe what I'm feeling is that I'm afraid that I am unaware of how deeply I believe something until it gets questioned and I am not allowed to wrestle with that questioning and still be considered a good Christian. Or maybe I'm afraid that if I am questioning I can't prove to myself that I'm a good Christian because the whole standard for our institutional church is something that I've really bought into to the point that my own security depends on it.

So what is my story? What is my actual testimony? I'm afraid that if I was to have a small group discussion on this topic instead of my acquired knowledge of Christianity and faith, that perhaps it would be a short one. Not because God hasn't done anything in my life, but because I've grown up in a system that says my understanding and position on certain truths and my ability to communicate them intellectually, is more important than how I've experienced and been shaped by those truths.

What's next? I want to find a group of people that can discuss all of these things without fearing a prayer intervention to protect my wavering salvation status. I also want to be more bold about initiating this with people because I know that my own fear of being insecure in myself is greater than being deemed an outsider by others. Perhaps that connects to my concern towards the emergent church, there seems to be a rejection of the modern church but the response is not to stay and interact with those still there. We have to distance ourselves before we can blame the group that we were apart of.

at the gym...

Instead of powering through the last bit of the talk I'm working on for Friday, I've decided, this is an opportune time to break the long silence that has fallen over this blog.

So I was just at the gym and this is who I see. Well, not this guy exactly, but plenty of guys that look just like him. This gets me thinking. This gym is just like how I too often view ministry. I'm sitting here looking at my own arms, my legs and thinking, what am I even doing here. I'm stuck out here on the machines because I can't get myself to go through the opening in the corner of the gym that leads into the holy sanctuary of free weights. I ventured over there today and quickly dodged the glances from Sven and Butch by pretending I was on my way to the water fountain. Yeah, that's what I need, more water. I'm overcome with this feeling; I don't belong here. I'm not fit, at least as not as much as this guy is. I don't have my six-pack or hair gel pass.

This is how being a Christian feels sometimes. I look around and think that I don't belong here. Look at all this sin around my midsection. I've got no stamina when it comes to faith. Sure I know how to clothe myself so that I look all spiritually buff underneath, but throw some weights at me and I just crumble in fear that somebody will see that I'm only lifting 120....okay 100.

Part of my wishes that Jesus would just show up and ask me to go jogging. Let's get the heck out of here, there are other ways to git fit. But how do I explain this to all the other Christians. I always get the same questions: "So how much are you benching these days? How many sit-ups can you do? How many souls have come to Jesus through your ministry? What big event have you pulled off and had written about in the last regional update?" If I'm not in the gym there's no way to answer these questions. What's scary is that I know I can't always tell if the voice asking these questions is coming from those around me or if it's all in my own screwed-up pride-damaged mind.

What bothers me most is the fact that I want to become this guy pictured right here. I really do. For now, I'll think of ways to either bring him down or dismiss him, all the while secretly wishing I was just like him.

Sure, I'd also like to break out of here and run far far away from the whole system, but out there is the unknown. Is it really faithful if nobody else recognizes it? Is it really progress if I'm the only one who feels it? Is it really authentic if nobody understands?

on an art rant

I just watched Garden State with the director's commentary, Zach Braff along with Natalie Portman. This probably qualifies me some "geek" or "nerd" title, which I'll accept gracefully. I love knowing why. You understand right? It's not all the little trivia facts (like that Natalie Portman had never played a vinyl record before the movie and had to be shown how to "put one on" for a scene) but it's the why that I enjoy. I love to listen to people talk about why they did something, granted they have something to significant to say. Of course, there's a little bit, okay a lot, of this being about validating my own desire to explain myself. I love to explain myself. (Which of course leads to meeting the need of wanting to be known.) So movies, good ones like Garden State, fascinate me because they say so much about us, about people, about relationships, without saying it directly, or at least without loosing the feeling, or the essence. I've been thinking about this a lot lately. About art.

Here's what I have so far.

I'll use the movie Crash as an example. The movie is all about the complexity of racism and racial brokenness. The film conveys the truth about racism is a much more accurate way, I think, that a seminar on racism would. Because the movie is art and not just facts, it contains both truth and the essence of what that truth looks like or would feel like if experienced. Someone I know who just watched the film said they thought it was good but that it was unbelievable because of the connections between the characters, the way each characters story overlapped with the others was too coincidental to be realistic. But I think the movie isn't supposed to be realistic, it's supposed to be truthful. You can't make something that is only two hours long convey the truth and complexity of actually reality. In order to look at reality in it's entirely, something has to be fake, unrealistic, pretend, in order to convey not the same reality, but the same truth. This a mystery of Art. Art takes something that is unrealistic to convey the truth about the realistic. Of course realistic things are involved in the process, but facts have to be bent and broken in order to convey the meaning or essence, truth.

Something like that. Still processing.

Here's a cool tangent. It's portraits of people, many over 100 years old. Facinating to think about their lives.