thought bucket

it's official

2008-09-19T23:38:00.000-07:00

Friends.....

heylovie.wordpress.com

It finally happened

mirrormask

2008-09-16T18:26:00.000-07:00

A really great film, somewhat self-discovery-coming-of-age in a fantasy world that rivals Baz Luhrmann, Tim Burton, and Michel Gondry. It's Neil Gaiman's Mirror Mask. Mildly similar to The City of Lost Children, but not really. I absolutely love Gaiman's dialogue. Favorite line: (upon seeing the future and being transformed from the fantasy world to the real world Valentine exclaims) "I don't want to be a waiter!"

Next, I'm starting out a new practice. When I'm done with campus I ride the bus back to the downtown station and walk the 200 feet over to Dagny's, order a large white ice tea, find a comfortable chair (which there are by the plenty) and sit down to spend the next hour or so doing whatever. So far I've read and stared out the window, both are enjoyable. I play to do this everyday after going to campus. Next I'm going to try getting one of the humongous brownies. I'll keep you posted. Oh, and Rob, you should totally set up a goodreads.com account. Try to resist it, you can't.

tennis ball

2008-09-01T17:39:00.000-07:00

Tina and I often walk around our neighborhood in the evening when it finally cools off. We like to look at the houses; they have much more character in this part of town than the mundane rows of the developmentally challenged sprawl that possesses most of Bakersfield.

We'll call it at that for poetry in this post. What I'm really excited to post is what is becoming somewhat of a spooky occurrence, well, now spooky, yet, I did say becoming, but, it won't take much more to cross the line. Each time Tina and I go out, well, at least four times now if I remember correctly, I find a green tennis ball. I know right? Weird. I've kept three of them. I like to bounce it as I walk. I hope I find more.

Also, I'm in the middle of watching Man on Fire with Denzel Washington. He's in the movie, he's not actually watching it with me. I did that kind of thing earlier, the whole dangling modifier(?) is it? But I erased it. It was in the second sentence, I got rid of it with a semi-colon, which probably isn't right either. Hmm. This blogging is harder than it looks.

best use of soundbytes ever

2008-08-30T10:32:00.000-07:00

Yes, this will effect my vote, but which way?

nice discovery

2008-08-27T20:51:00.000-07:00

I'm always excited when I stumble upon some quality music. And I really enjoy a good cover. Here's a free download from Amie Street of Wakey!Wakey! doing Gnarles Barkley's Crazy. Quality. Shoot download the whole album. All it takes is a quick free sign up.

let me count the ways...

2008-08-26T00:00:00.000-07:00

beautiful, determined, creative, intuitive, passionate, funny, athletic, talented, strong, sexy, intelligent, confident, patient, loyal, forgiving, diligent, precise, competitive, assertive, defender, fighter, sincere, hopeful, reconciler, treasure

flier / flyer ideas

2008-08-17T18:28:00.000-07:00

Each time I spell the word flier, I wonder, is it flyer, or flier. Well today I shall wonder no more thanks to Apple's built in Dictionary application. Apparently either spelling is accepted. What's with that. In this age of moral relativism (thanks again Apple) is it impossible to keep our venerated lexicon secure. Why the superfluity? our words becoming effete.

And now to the thesis of this post...

I'm looking for help. I'm making a flyier (I just did that) for an upcoming conference and the idea is to have a background filled with text and then using some savvy designer Photoshop® skillz, I'll use the letters in the text as pixels to create the word "STORY" in bold or colors or something. Here's where you come in. I'm asking you to send me the first lines of some of your favories stories (books, movies, whatever) that would either be recognizable or relatable if you were of the college-age persuasion.

Gimme examples:

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Somewhere in la Mancha
In the beginning

Also, I'm looking for creative lines (entirely made up) that will resonate with less mainstream (debatable) stories.

Examples:

I grew up without a father
My grandparents raised me

Super. I appreciate all your responses.

divisional staff meeting

2008-08-12T17:30:00.000-07:00

I wouldn't say that I thrive in meetings. Actually, I can't say there is anyone, who knows me well, that would say that I thrive in meetings.

But here's a great blessing. I find myself sitting in a buffet with too many delicious meals and too few plates. Please see pass the less desirable implications of this metaphor. I'm attempting to dress up the face that there are a bunch of amazing people in this room with me and my only complaint for these meetings is that I don't have enough space to spend the time I want with each person. I think that's a good problem to have, perhaps a blessing.

And yes, the fact that I am blogging during this meeting (sorry Bob and Carrie) says something too.

what's going on here

2008-07-31T19:45:00.000-07:00

Just a heads up, I'm planning on making the move over to wordpress pretty soon. This post will hopefully keep me to it.

We're looking at the third day since the return from Bosnia and big surprise, I'm not sure exactly how I'm doing. I don't know how to just relax without feeling completely bored, but I have no energy to do anything of significance. What energy I do have is spent keeping Bosnia from becoming a figment of my imagination. The pictures help, but the bleak heat of Bakersfield provides a convincing counter-spell. Apparently my skipping of a few of the debriefing sessions in Austria are taking their toll.

-I've decided that I need to be a better reader = more reading, better books.

-Today I told Tina I need a hobby, but (1) it can't be expensive, (2) it can't require other people to enjoy it (i.e. Basketball, Paintball, Chess), and (3) it has to be something that can be enjoyed in small blocks of time.

So far I've got reading.

Here's a shot from the camp in Bosnia.

I miss people.

i'm sorry

2008-07-09T14:07:00.000-07:00

I figured that last post, although very representative of what I was feeling, was pretty selfish. So, in order to give a little more of information about how the trip is going I thought I would upload some pictures. Considering formatting and organizing photos isn't exactly Blogger.com's forte, I'll keep the text brief to keep my frustration level in check. There are two pictures of groups of people, one is our Intermediate English class that I am "teaching" and the other is a bunch of tired Americans about half way through a tour of downtown Sarajevo. The black and white landscape is looking east from the top of the fortress (see previous post). The twisty building is a TV companies latest construction, I think, and is not very popular among the Bosnians, "It doesn't fit." However, I would like to point out the similarities to my senior project design, maybe I was on to something, or just copying somebody somewhere... Fun side note: Although the road next to the university is a good place to take pictures of the twisty building, security guards at the construction site located between the road and the twisty building get rather irritated by photographers. Something to do with the construction site being the new American Embassy...

Super.

a fortress and a pepsi

2008-07-06T10:03:00.000-07:00

Two hours ago I was standing on top of a partially reconstructed fortress overlooking Sarajevo. On the way back home I drank a Pepsi. Today is a good day.

Because there is no chance that I will be able to post anything that in anyway satisfies my desire to communicate what things have been like in Bosnia, I'll leave that until I get back and go through the painful experience of distilling six weeks into a letter that's both informative and readable.

Also, I kind of like not being connected to the rest of the world. This is the first time in over two weeks I have used a computer. And just in case you were wondering the world still exists out here and it's quite wonderful.

For all who have emailed me, sorry, but I won't be responding until I get back. And who knows, maybe I'll even wait a few weeks just to rebel a little.

Oh, I'm almost finished with Searching For God Knows What by Donald Miller. Thanks James, I do like it better than Blue Like Jazz. Also, praise Jesus, Sarajevo gets Discovery and Bear Grylls is super with Bosnian subtitles. Also, Scrubs in German is not as funny, or wait, even more funny!?!

a few more picts and poetry

2008-06-19T12:58:00.001-07:00

Why do I always have something to blog about when there are four other very important things to do? Rhetorical.

First the poetry. I just finished reading The Trouble With Poetry, (my) book two of Billy Collins reading. This one is a little shorter than the previous read, and I think even more clever. My favorites are: "The Lanyard", "On Not Finding You at Home", "The Introduction", and "The Revenant." I'm going to rank them in order too: 4,2,1,3. There you go.

And now the latest from the Canon...ooh, I just thought of a great blog title for my photography. Check it out here.

This may be my favorite building in Bakersfield. It's a Masonic Temple. I particularly like the back, it's the building without the mask, ugly and weathered. I almost looks like it's crying. I wonder how it feels being in Bakersfield and trying to look so formal and classic out front, yet completely bare of any supporting nature.

new camera

2008-06-12T01:56:00.000-07:00

Sweet, a new camera! Special thanks to our amazing friend Sarah, we've just been treated to a Canon PowerShot SD770 IS (Love the color accent mode). ¡Mucho gusto!

Here's a few shots ~~I took~~ Tina (the first two) and I took and then manipulated a little with iPhoto. Watch out when I get Graphics Tablet and GIMP on these picts...

loyalton, meet google

2008-06-11T18:14:00.000-07:00

For all my friends out there who wish that they could visit the streets of Loyalton, but find the drive up over Donner Summit a little too daunting or lengthy, I give you Google Street View (and the wonderful Golden West Restaurant Hotel). So far I've found two glitches when traveling down main street (Hwy 49.) This one's for you mom and dad.

tribute to jeremy

2008-05-31T11:29:00.001-07:00

Well sort of. I just finished reading two books and I thought I might try to write a review. (Jeremy does this well)

Both books were recommended by Donald Miller at the FPU Lecture that I went to recently. The first is Sailing Alone Around the Room, by Billy Collins. It's "a landmark collection of new and selected poems..." all of which I find are all the more satisfying when read aloud, which I suppose is true of most poetry. It's poetry for the everyday person, keeping a safe distance away from overly complex descriptions and puzzling mouthfulls of analysis. Reading Collins is like singing the melody of a huge symphony piece, it's the simple beauty surrounded by the cacophany of even greater, yet uncontainable beauty.

Some of my favorites:

-My Number -The Rival Poet -Vade Mecum -On Turning Ten -The Blues -Man In Space -Splitting Wood -Reading an Anthology of Chinese Poems of the Sung Dynasty, I Pause To Admire the Length and Clarity of Their Titles

On to review number 2.
Man in Black by Johnny Cash

The book focuses mainly on the relationship between Cash's addiction to pills and his walk of faith. Essentially, it's his testimony. Man in Black starts at Cash's childhood telling stories of church and the influence of his older brother's faith and death, follows his love of music and introduction into the music industry, and then spiral into pill addiction, reaching his rock bottom point and recovery / repentance to a more serious relationship with Jesus, performing for the armed forces, then finishing with the story of writing and producing a movie about Jesus in the holy land (The Gospel Road, thanks Netflix). Lyrics of songs Cash and others have written show up throughout the chapters including some by Kris Kristofferson.

Some of my favorite stories include Cash's meeting younger stars Merle Haggard and Charlie Pride. His faith comes across as genuine and his vulnerability is almost limitless. He tells of multiple times driving through the woods in his jeep completely high on pills, getting arrested seven times, having to cancel concerts, and getting kicked out of the Grand Ole Opry.

I was surprised to learn about how much Gospel music was a part of all of his shows and so many of those in the music entertainment industry. As well, in his own words, Cash seems much more Christian and spiritual than the media portrays, I remember nothing in Walk the Line highlighting his faith.

Man in Black was published in 1975, almost 30 years before his death. I'd be interested to read some of the new auto biographies that have come out recently. Overall, I really did enjoy the book, Cash is a decent enough writer, he sometimes jumps back a few years or fills in a time-line of a particular event and I occasionally got lost. My guess is that if someone isn't already interested in Cash's life the stories may not be compelling enough to keep interest. But come on, who isn't interested at least a litte by Johnny Cash?

emusic: hallelujah

2008-05-23T21:40:00.000-07:00

Thanks to a post by Brett and some other stars aligning I finally sank my teeth into emusic. If you have netflix you've probably seen a ton of ads on the disposable part of that majestic red envelope, or if you're into Paste you seen it for sure. I've been avoiding it for over six months after finding out that you have to give them your credit card in order to get the "35 free songs" they boast. If you haven't heard of it, it's iTunes for indie music, except all the files are DRM free. It's kinda like the old mail order BMG service that gave away 11 CDs for 1 penny but screwed you with shipping and handling. Well, with the offer up to 50 free songs for a trial run finally convinced me to fork over the digits to my Costco American Express card in hopes of remembering to cancel before the 14 days are up and I start to pay for a monthly subscription.

So last night I spend two hours in total music discovery bliss. It was fantastic. I have huge hopes for an afternoon with a good friend listening to the songs I downloaded and discussing all the things we love. I do realize I'm quite late getting into the indie scene, but here I come anyway, watch out. Check this stuff out.

Top downloads for me so far:

A cover of Rocket Man by My Morning Jacket
The Modern Leper by Frightened Rabbit
Baby's Lost in Tracks by Maybe It's Reno
Re: Stacks by Bon Iver
I Wish That I Was Beautiful For You by Darren Hanlon
The King Of Carrot Flowers Part 1 by Neutral Milk Hotel
Leviathan, Bound by Shearwater
Space Travel Is Boring by Sun Kil Moon (Thanks Bret)
Cedar Trees by Taken By Trees

Happy Finds that I already knew of:

Woven Hand
Ingrid Michaelson
Ampersand EP - Derek Webb and Sandra McCraken

clean house

2008-05-20T14:49:00.000-07:00

Yep, the house is all cleaned up. The tiny air conditioner in the window next to me is ready to work like crazy tonight, along side the swamp cooler in the back to keep our hip urban apartment nice and less than just a bit too warm for the dinner that we're having with some possible donors. So far, I have only gone outside once today, and that was in our eight by five light well to water the plants.

One of the pleasantries that this heat induced house arrest affords me is that I have been trying to catch up on all the NPR podcast concerts that Jeremy told me about. Right now I'm two-thirds the way through Nickel Creek. I love it. So much so that the dusting and organizing is actually fun.

The recurring question I keep entertaining upstairs is this: If I never left this house and only once in a while saw somebody, what would my life be about? What I'm trying to get to is who am I really. Take away the InterVarsity gig and it appears that I am a house cleaner / jammer of wood into tight places in attempt to seal off the window where the AC unit inevitably creates it's own self-defeatist energy crisis.

I check out the videos and pictures from my friends facebook pages and realize that not only am I not having as much fun as them, but I actually think that because I'm not capturing and posting my life for the world I must not be as interesting of a person, and my life must be going nowhere. Who am I listening to?

I'm so fickle.

creepy stuff

2008-05-13T14:05:00.000-07:00

There are two movie previews that I have seen that creep me out in a way that makes me really want to see them. This is pretty rare thing for me because I'm not huge on scary movies. I either find them extremely cheesy, or extremely disturbing, like, "get that out of my head I feel possessed" freaky.

Every once in a while something comes along that is just "plain" freaky. Freaky good, freaky "play with my fears" good.

Ironically, both movies use the same devise to freak out the audience.

Watch with caution:

The Strangers

Baghead

in the year 2525

2008-05-10T01:40:00.000-07:00

Quite thought provoking. How 'bout that 2041. Nice.

short stature linked to...wait I forgot

2008-05-06T08:32:00.000-07:00

I saw this story as I was trying to catch up on the latest news. This just seems ripe for one of those funny on accident headlines, but good for them for not adding insult to an already bummer situation.

Also, it's now Day 2 of Divisional Staff Meetings in Fresno. Last night was kicked off with a great celebration of what God's been doing on the campuses in our division. Awesome stories abound, joy is on the rise, hope is in the air, and now it's back to our western analytical planning debriefing evaluating brainstorming goodness. Well we'll see at least...

come forth!!

2008-05-01T23:54:00.000-07:00

Spoken with authority, new life flowed and from the depths of the grave came....

Yes, so here's the rest of the story, the short version: Apple = -1361.40 bones. Homeowners Insurance from Allstate = $+0. Landlord's insurance = $+500 (cheapskate adjuster). American Express (the real hero's) = $+1000 (or = Apple + Cheapskate adjuster).

Also, this is pretty cool, and yes, my macbook pro is smackable. Actually, I imaging this is basically what happened in the first place to cause the problem, but the hand was a chandelier.

of stories and being myself

2008-04-21T20:36:00.000-07:00

Here's a short post about a lecture that I went to that Donald Miller gave (author of Blue Like Jazz). He talked about story and real meaning comes from it and how we need to be able to tell a better story, or maybe be better story-tellers, even dare to live better stories so that others and ourselves will be able to find meaning in truth and have our moral compasses affected.

Apparently he was convincing because I want to tell better stories and I want to live a better story. I want to be the better character who has the better thing that he wants that he can only get by overcoming painful conflict in order to get. But at what cost do I want this?

Today we did "outreach" on the campus. We set up tents and have boards that people can put stickers on and write notes and messages. We hope for conversations, we hope for conversions, we hope for meaning. But secretly I hope for success and from that scale or definition disappointment is all I'll find. No, I do want meaningful conversation, but secretly I'm pessimistic about the whole thing mostly because I'm so arrogant and in the end I figure I'll just settle for success but we know where that gets me.

I struggle so much with understanding the difference between me changing my perspective about things and my going through things which change my perspective. I'm hopeful, almost excited that this week can, if I let it, be a thing through which my perspective changes.

Also, in full nerd fashion I've reserved all the books Donald Miller mentioned during his lecture in my library queue.

the good Lord giveth and the good Lord taketh away

2008-03-31T19:38:00.000-07:00

I want to begin this tale with a series of images. I'd love to think of myself as a great writer, a poet of sorts, but I realize that I have one major character flaw that prohibits my talent; that is, laziness. Mix in a little perfectionism and you have a tasty recipe for procrastination. It goes something like this: I don't really have (won't make) the time to do this the way I want (perfectly, that is, in my opinion) so I'll just come back to it when I do (never).

I've wanted to tell this sad little story for some time now, but I was waiting on some last details and some pictures. So here you go, laugh, smile, gasp, cry. Shoot, maybe I'll write a little after all...

Once upon a time there was a small little apple. Now our hero wanted this apple very bad. But our hero was also a patient person and knew that, like all good things, waiting made the moment of receiving even sweeter. So he waited, and waited, and waited. He waited until January when it was known that the apple would be most ripe. However, January came and went, and although there were many other apple-like things blossoming, the little apple remained elusive. Then came February and our hero was certain that the apple would be ready, yet after each Tuesday there was no announcement. Until the last Tuesday of February. Then it happened! The little apple was finally ready. It was polished, completely ripe, and supported a multi-touch track pad. Our hero contacted the huge orchard where the little apple was grown and requested it be sent at once to him. The little apple traveled for many days, all the way from Shanghai CN, which probably stands for Connecticut. Finally, the little apple arrived:

For many days our hero looked upon the apple with such affection and care. He always made sure to put the keyboard protector back in place before letting the little guy sleep. He was also sure to keep from letting his affections grow to an unhealthy level, and therefore was diligent to only spend moderate amounts of time with his new friend. He didn't take it to school with him or show it off to others, except for one night when it just made sense to use it for a slide show at a leadership meeting, and our hero did get many complements. But overall, there grew no inappropriate attachments, no fits of prideful possession, nor arrogance towards those less fortunate without their own marvelous fruit.

Then, two days later, tragedy struck. Not just any run-of-the-mill tragedy, no, no, we're talking totally freakin' unbelievable, come on you can't be serious tragedy.

Wait for it.

Now, whilst our hero lay reclining and reading in his chamber he heard from the dining hall a monstrous sound, one that might be described as a microwave being pushed from it's rightful place atop the refrigerator to it's entirely wrongful place upon the floor. But alas, our hero's microwave does not reside atop the refrigerator so what beast doth such a sound make? Rising courageously from his reading position and rushing headlong into the unknown danger that lurked mere paces ahead our hero came upon a most ghastly sight, one that once seen, will render the seer aghast. He saw....

**Warning: Images of Brutality and Violence Below**

What the???? Impossible....The mighty Lord of Heaven had sent his angel of death to forever darken the vision of the apple.

Let's see that a little closer:

And now the screen...

Forever blind. Forever without sight. Forever blank to the world around it and to it's hero. Oh the humanity, oh the machine!! Oh the titanium case (not bad).

The apple, although completely sightless, because of it's superior materials, hath withstood the force of such a vile attack and remaineth semi-entirely operational. It's entire contents kept safe by it's skin of shininess.

And here the curtains must close on our beloved fruit deprived hero. Although the apple lives on inside it's skin, without it's vision it is irreversibly damaged and therefore, in the process (I'll keep you updated) of being replaced by the wonderful insurance agency of the landlord's at the brick building of 19th and B.

The small little apple is survived by a still mournful Canon Prixma, Kingston 4GB flash drive, and a Bamboo Graphics Tablet. Although both narrowly escaped what would have for sure have been, uh, certain death, the scars of loss and trauma will remain.

As for our hero, he too will survive, and perhaps some new apple will catch his eye.

Rest in peace Fierce Granny Apple (March 10th, 2008 10:17am - March 22nd, 2008 3:02pm), may your new IP in the great network upstairs be filled with bandwidth and free of firewalls.

best quote from FUMP

2008-02-11T13:45:00.000-08:00

As we we're parked at the Arco AMPM gas station about to leave for FUMP (Fresno Urban Ministry Project) one overheard this gem (paraphrased below) which perfectly encapsulates the reality of our students:

Student One: "I was riding with this girl, my girlfriend, and this other guy..."

Student Two: "Wait, you have a girlfriend, what? Who is she?..."

Student One: "Well...it's complicated."

yeah...and sometimes 'Y'

2008-02-10T18:57:00.000-08:00

And the winner of my favorite new t-shirt goes to this one which my wonderful wife graciously gave me for my birthday. I've decided that I like random shirts, so much in fact, that I wanted one for myself. What would be amazing is if I had some cool incentive for all my friends to get me random t-shirts (size Large) and I took pictures of myself wearing them in super spots around Bakersfield. Just an idea...

ode to the beard of my face

2008-02-07T18:16:00.000-08:00

So I've titled this "As good as it got / As bad as it got - Decision 08 - The Beautiful but often Sorrowful Beard Story"

buenas noches

2008-02-02T20:33:00.000-08:00

It's our last night in Mexico City. We fly back to the states tomorrow evening arriving in good ol' Bakersfield around 9pm. It has been a good stay (no digestive issues, yet). The weather has been in the very comfortable mid-70's and for the most part I've gotten some good sleep and rest. I do wish that I could spend more time exploring the city on my own. I really wanted to walk over to the Monumento a la Revolución (picture to come) tonight as a group of us bought some ice cream from a local 7-Eleven-esque retail shop, but "one shall not go off by one's self in the dark in a foreign city." I understand this rule, yet I often wish to experience being alone in a completely unfamiliar city... something about facing my fear of isolation.

This week I have been blessed to hear John Luc Krieg speak about the theology of the justice gospel. That's my description, not his. Many thoughts and hopefully beneficial conversations on the horizon.

riding to school

2008-01-31T20:13:00.000-08:00

So last Tuesday I rode by bike all the way out to Bakersfield College. First I baught a bus ticket, but I missed the bus, so I started riding thinking that I would either catch up (all ego) or at least go for a while and hop on the next bus that caught up to me. But neither happened. Actually, I got to campus about three minutes later than if I had ridden the bus. Lessoned learned. As long as the weather is good (not over 80 or raining) than I might as well ride my bike to school. It feels good, it's good for me, it's cheaper, it's better for the environment, and gosh darn it, I like it.

Sabbath Reflections

2008-01-28T17:26:00.000-08:00

Here's my reflections from this months mandatory Surf and Turf Division InterVaristy Sabbath. (It takes half the day just to say that.)

1.What did you do for your time?

I started the morning by listening to some Derek Webb in the car and then went to the gym to play some racquetball. Then I ate lunch and went for a bike ride. I went to the library and read a few chapters of the book Authority to Heal. While I was there I wrote in my journal and then I wrote a song. I then rode my bike around downtown and stopped at a bakery. Mmmm. Then I came home and worked on chords and a melody for the lyrics I had written. Next, I went through the journal questions in the retreat guide. I'm also hoping to watch some Lost later this evening.

2.How were you challenged by God?

I feel challenged by God to look for him working. I got a text message from one of the student leaders who led their very first bible study today and she said she loved doing it. I think God has plenty that he is prepared to show me but I just don't look. I do not expect him to do very much. I don't know if it's more because of my disbelief or my fear of being disappointed. Either way, God is challenging me to look more and to hope for His power to be displayed in real ways and not to settle for only the non-miraculous.

3.How were you encouraged by God?

I am encouraged when I am able to do something creative. I always get the sense that God has moved, stepped in, or spoken when I am able to finish something creative and be content with what I have made. The finishing of the song was an encouragement. Whenever I can put into words the passion of my feelings, whether positive or frustrating, I feel blessed. There is something about the creative process that is always stifled by my perfectionism, and when completion comes it must be an act of divine intervention.

4.Any questions for your supervisor?

I'd like to look into going to the Pastoral Care Ministry School in Wheaton, IL, June 15-20, 2008. I think some other people in our division might be interested in going as well. I have no idea what the cost / travel / anything is. The website is archaic at best. I'll keep checking it out.

NSC 08 so far...

2008-01-04T19:47:00.000-08:00

Unfortunately I'm currently sitting at the keyboard in the room in the hotel in downtown St. Louis during National Staff Conference. I'm sick. It's the yearly winter head cold that decided now was the appropriate time to attack. I had dreams of keeping a daily blog of what was happening, but the fatigue and headaches, along with a strong dose of Nyquil, has limited me to this single post.

So far, there has been some quality seminars that I attended. I've missed all but the first main session gathering as well as the hoped for random hang outs (excluding the regional party which was pretty fun).

Anyway, HBO has nothing on that I haven't seen or is worth watching, and the TV sucks the soul out of me anyway. So here I am posting my high score on a simple little game I found on digg. It took me a few tries to figure it out and try to get a good high score, so top it if you can.

Now, let's see if I can get this ABC.com Streaming HD player to get me some Lost episodes.

blogger images

2007-12-19T17:58:00.000-08:00

Just a little frustrated with blogger image formatting / my lack of html skill. It took about 10 minutes to get those stupid images to line up on the right like that...

some good movies

2007-12-19T17:31:00.000-08:00

Here are two gems that I have had the pleasure of seeing this last week: Brick (2005) and Waitress (2007). Both were excellent. I have been starving for a good movie and was disappointed at my recent I Am Legend experience. I was riveted by Will Smith, but, as everybody is saying, the film can't float solely on Smith's performance. Brick's vernacular was fascinating and witty, providing the path into the "noir" character of the film as much as the setting. It's a great tale of revenge and redemption. Waitress is equally compelling but much more joyful and light. While Brick's momentum is carried by under-the-surface anger and frustration that only gets expressed in a few moments and is never fully released, Waitress' is carried by hope in escape from the under-expressed pain. Unlike Legend, these two films end satisfyingly without being conventional or intentionally unconventional.

So there's my first (minute) attempt at actually writing a film review (not for credit). Keep it coming.

the day after

2007-12-16T22:08:00.000-08:00

**about 48hrs ago, our internet has yet to be hooked-up, we'll get to that...**

I'm not so good with these. My life, well everybody's, is perpetually filled with the day after: conferences, meetings, big events, holidays, trips, and the list goes on. Today was the day after. It wasn't pretty. I got less than expected, or even hoped for, accomplished. I had practically no interaction with people. I slept in way too late.

The day after officially sucked. Worst, I can only blame myself. I can't even begin to think about how poorly I steward my time on the day after. I need rest, sure. I need to recoup, fine. But really, I think the world got gypped today and deserves it's 24 hours back. Somebody else could have used it much better. If I believed in purgatory, I'm sure there would be weeks of me to serve to make up for all the days after that had been wasted on getting my act back together.

Better luck next time.

derek webb during service??

2007-11-18T14:59:00.000-08:00

Today we an amazing church day. You heard me right. I know those words have probably not come from my lips (fingers in this case) in over 2 years. At our RiverLakes church (you can download the sermon if you want), home to countless white middle-to-upper class peeps (like myself) the service was ended with the worship band singing "I Repent" by Derek Webb. Holy crap!! Let me just take a minute to sit in silence and praise Jesus. The message was on humility and service. How can we say we are Christians, people who are following Jesus, when all our efforts seem to be to climb the latter of success (wealth, comfort, pleasure) when Jesus is going the opposite direction? This was basically the thesis of the message today. I was shocked, what's next? Promoting social justice? Keep it coming.

Next, we have what I've been listening to the last couple of days. This band is incredible. I really like every single song that they play on this album. Thanks to PasteMusic.com for this one. From Like Castanets

"The city silver in the moon.
The mountains heaped with sugar spoons.
The click and clatter of my feet along the crooked, cobbled street like castanets."

The first song on the album is the story of the Monitor versus the Merrimac. Excellent. Come on.

Also, notice the Apple Reflection style image on the above? That's all GIMP baby. I've been learning more and more how to use GIMP and am seriously loving it. Look out Photoshop, there's another Image Manipulation Program (GNU I.M.P => GIMP) in town and what's that...it's free? Brilliant. The latest release of 2.4 is very awesome and after a few hours you can get acclimated from the Photoshop environment. Previous versions have been decent, but this last update is fantastic.

Finally, I wish to point out an update to the box.net widget on the right side of the blog. There are two mp3's that I added of this guy Conrad Gempf. It's amazing storytelling that I heard about a year ago but just recently located in download-able format. Check it out! You can listen directly from the box widget, or you can visit the Emergent UK website and download them for yourself.

what happened??

2007-10-30T09:42:00.001-07:00

I posted a bunch of images but some of them disappeared. What happened? Perhaps the content was too explicit. Or maybe I just don't know how to work this thing...

Well, let's try again, this time I'll leave out the butt tree shot.

photography

2007-10-27T00:25:00.000-07:00

Here's some shots I took on a super nice camera (thanks Brian and Tammy). Well, all except the last one...

good testimony

2007-10-26T23:36:00.000-07:00

"InterVarsity is how I get through my day." Well, at least that's the gist of it. This coming from a student who only months ago came to our group because she was forced to by her friend. Of course, it's not InterVarsity, it's the community that's accepted and loved her with the name InterVarsity that is what really gets her through her day.

Jesus has been trying to teach me how to think about success in ministry. I'm looking for massive intellectual revolution, (or at least conformity to my intellectualism) for cutting-edge discourse and philosophy, and yes, actual outpouring of the Holy Spirit (but in forms that encourage the intellectual and philosophical). I think those things would be success too, but there is more. It isn't "all about the small things" but it is about the small things too. It isn't just about the huge things, but it is about the huge things too.

I understand the concept of the "it is, but it is also" intellectually, but I am in desperate need of testimony to define, expand, and enlighten me. I know for this student, God is not just bringing a social club for her to be accepted in, but an actual community where for the first time she isn't constantly reminded to think about how others are seeing / judging / condemning her. Instead, she is free to feel loved, enjoyed, validated, not by other people, but by a community that recognizes her for who she really is, beautiful.

new music from the library

2007-09-22T16:44:00.000-07:00

Have I mentioned that I love the library? If you haven't noticed the new sidebar on the right that's keeping track of the CDs I currently have checked out...uh...take notice.

Today was a big one. Eight CDs, 1 (5th) season of Scrubs, and a Thousand Splendid Suns (the book, sheesh, get to a Barnes and Noble...)

Anyway, in order of my excitement-

1. Alexi Murdoch - Time Without Consequences (uh, Jose Gonzalez meets Jack Johnson, yeah)
2. Something Corporate - North (heard one song on Pandora or iTunes, lets check the rest out.)
3. Daniel Powter - (self titled) (Pandora or iTunes?)
4. The Flaming Lips - Transmissions from the Satellite Heart (Thank you Ryan Miller)
5. Modest Mouse - Good News for People Who Like Bad News (after ...Before the Ship Sank, I was hooked)
6. Fairfield Four - I Couldn't Hear Nobody Pray (O Brother Where Art Thou, anyone?)
7. Coldplay - A Rush of Blood to the Head (thanks Craig Weber)
8. Coldplay - X&Y (well, they had it too)

Still waiting for:
1. Flaming Lips - At War With the Mystics
2. Wilco - Kicking Television
3. Shins - Oh Inverted World
4. Coldplay - Parachutes
5. Wilco - Sky Blue Sky
5. Wilco - Summerteeth
6. Amber Pacific - Truth in Sincerity
7. Bayside - The Walking Wounded
8. Flaming Lips - Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots

Any suggestions? (I await the sarcasm...)

on a lighter note

2007-09-22T00:16:00.000-07:00

Just in case the last post got you a little worried about my, uh, quality of life (or something like that), here a more relaxed one.

This game is super fun. Give it a shot. It's got all the requirements for a great online flash game:
1. It is ridiculously simple: design, graphics (simple, but still elegant), concept (never read the instructions)
2. It keeps track of your personal best.
3. You will play it over and over and over (I know I can do better).
4. It will raise your blood preasure as you get so tense and frustrated that you lost on the second level.
5. At first you think, "This music is awesome!" and then "I can't stand the d#*@ music!"

Enjoy, and uh, here's my best so far. I am the man...right?

show me the healing

2007-09-17T15:57:00.000-07:00

Ministry is in full swing at B.C. and Cal State. We just put on the first Awakening where both chapters get together for worship and a message. Two weeks of New Student Outreach, seemingly billions of fliers, posters, candy give aways, Volleyball, water balloons, a week of bible studies, prayer, leadership meetings, prep meetings for bible studies, prep meetings for leadership meetings, tables, chairs, worship practices, raw fingers, song research, font finding, powerpoint slides, talk preparation / editing, new faces....and the list goes on.

Where's the healing? where's the making well? where's the changing hearts? where's the discipleship?

I know, no I think, all this stuff in necessary in order to create a place where the questions can get answered...But shouldn't the healing, the changing, the freedom from being trapped in co-dependence, unhealthy relationships, pornography, criticalness, cynicism, gossip, etc...shouldn't that be happing in the midst of ministry.

Trust must be built, and it isn't built in a day, or just a week or two, it takes time. It's early, things are still brand new. But what's the difference between continuing to do "ministry" in order that real ministry (healing/deliverance) will eventually happen, and continuing to do "ministry" and not ever seeing real ministry happen? Is there a time frame, a good, "gosh it's been a month, change everything" limit, I don't think so. Is it about faith, sure it is. Is there maybe something flawed in our pursuit if at the end of the day we say, "Well, I guess nobody was ready for real ministry today." Isn't that essentially saying, "God didn't want to use me for real ministry today." That can't be right, which means either I can't see it or I'm not part of it or both. That's unnacceptable.

I need to pray that God will open my eyes and make me a part of freedom, of healing, of the real gospel. Otherwise I'm going to get so depressed I'll reread the entire Harry Potter series. May it not be so.

my beard

2007-09-11T22:04:00.000-07:00

One of the perks of being a guy: I can grow facial hair and still be accepted in society (most of it.)

I think this picture is a little narsisisss...narscissist....narsi...nars...uh...narcissistic. Yeah ninjawords.

is it magic...no

2007-08-28T16:56:00.000-07:00

I stumbled across these videos while looking for some djembe lessons online. They are quite hilarious in my opinion. The best part is the announcer. So sit back, relax, and on this 50th post, woo hoo, learn some magic tricks to impress all your friends.

VideoJug: How To Do The Best Card Trick In The World

VideoJug: How To Make A Cigarette Disappear The David Zanthor Way

VideoJug: How To Perform The Alternating Back Card Trick

hope

2007-08-13T23:19:00.000-07:00

Tonight Tina and I had a good conversation with some friends over dinner. The topic of most interest was living in community, and more specifically, living intentionally as a community. So here's a dream and we'll see what becomes of it.

Image a lot in the middle of downtown Bakersfield with two houses on it. One small two-bedroom, 1 bath mini-missionary-guest-family house (about 840 sq. ft.), one five-bedroom community house. Paint them both green and do some fix up and we're talking "Green House" in Bakersfield inner city.

The reality is that the lot isn't exactly inner-city, if we even agree that Bakersfield has an "inner" to it, nor is it right in the middle of a residential area. But nonetheless, it sparks an idea of a Bakersfield-type Pink House (Fresno's Inner-City house for Urban Ministry). Our focus this year for campus ministry is Justice and Evangelism, believing the two to be inseparable. Both Tina and I are convicted that although we may be "all-in" intellectually, there isn't much we are doing practically to model this for students, or more importantly, as following where we believe Jesus is leading.

Just ditching everything and moving to the poor isn't always necessarily synonymous with following Jesus, but when the opportunity to take a risk in that direction presents itself, I completely believe that God will honor it, and regardless of the turnout, you learn more about and get closer to Him. Now what exactly that looks like...this?

truth from the onion

2007-08-13T10:12:00.000-07:00

I think this hits a little to close to home. I think it's hilarious, but also quite revealing. Anybody else in campus ministry ever afraid of this? I guess it's not all bad, but I don't like the idea that we're that predictable.

Recently Born-Again Christian Finally Has Social Life

GASTONIA, SC-Eight months ago, Larry Dunne was alone.

just for the heck of it.

2007-08-09T10:40:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to be able to be a part of the "risers" the next time I'm at a conference and they say, "Stand up if you have ever blogged during a staff meeting." Sorry about that Rob.

back in the states

2007-07-20T01:20:00.000-07:00

I get a kick out of the fact that I think it's cool to say the "states" even though I live here and have only travelled out of the country twice, both times shorter than two weeks. It has something to do with my disassociation complex, just distance myself from anything not perfect or interesting as not to be defined by it.

Not much to report. I've intentionally tried to keep from simply writing about my day because I figured a journal of my thoughts on particular things would be better and more challenging for me, but I find that whenever I read someone's blog and all they do is talk about their day, I'm completely memorized. Maybe it's because they're all friends or relatives, but maybe there is something more. I think it's story. I'm fascinated with stories. I don't particularly love it when all people do is talk about things that have happened to them. But I love reading the way people create a picture of their experiences. I'm a very linear story teller and I include a ridiculous amount of details, all of which I find important, many of which others find excessive I suppose.

I realized today that I miss being. I'm spending the weekend with a bunch of friends, one of whom is getting married. Tonight, as we sat around the hot tub taking our turns recalling old SNL sketches we all have seen, I was just me. I didn't have to think about what I was saying, or whether or not they thought I was funny, or if I wasn't there would they miss me. I didn't think about how great I think I am, or how my needs were or weren't getting met. It wasn't that I wasn't thinking at all, I was just entirely in the moment, but even that isn't quite accurate, I was enjoying past memories and imaging our futures as well. I was thinking about God and thinking about my stomach ache and whether or not I have Guatemala to thank for it.

I wonder if this type of "being" is a privilege. I am in Santa Barbara, CA, in a spa. Do I enjoy myself because I'm part of the majority? Does that question assume that those outside of privilege and the majority don't simply enjoy their lives sometimes?

I hope that everyone experiences this. I don't by any means think it's the ultimate thing to achieve, it's just nice, pleasant. I miss this.

from Magdalena Guatemala

2007-07-11T14:22:00.000-07:00

¡Hola de Guatemala! We have been here for a couple of days now and really enjoying the people and food. The culture here is very similar to what I experienced in the Philippines, very gracious and generous. We are among the poor and I am reminded of how wealthy I am. Today I was thinking about how much space we have in the States. One of the big problems that Mario says exists here is a lack of personal value or vision for the future. ¨Why bother with education, I´m a poor farmer, I will always be a poor farmer.¨ That sentiment makes me realize how much hope I have in the future. I don´t think about it that often, but I live assuming that in five or ten years I will have something better than I do now. I will be somewhere different or new. My life will have made a difference. The reality is that is probably true, and the sad thing is that I take for granted how easily it can be accomplished. I don´t have to work that hard to gain success. I know so much of that has to do with being white and starting off middle class. It is hard to be proud of working hard to gain success when those here, and the majority of the rest of the world, must work hard just to survive.

Here is a picture of Antigua taken by some photographer. We visited the day before yesterday and I walked underneath that arch. It is a beautiful city, but also very touristy. I like being in places like this, places of poverty, because it challenges how I think about progress. Is progress developing the economy so that people can have nicer things and more space? Or just enough development to ensure there is no hunger? What is the goal here? Is it just to share Jesus? What is progress now if real progress can only happen over many generations? Much to think and pray about.

search for truth

2007-07-06T18:30:00.000-07:00

One of the things that seems to be a recurring theme in my thought life is how I perceive truth. This is of course nothing new nor something unique. The only reason I bring it up is because I keep running across the book war that get's waged between different (usually) thinking people, alright, Christian's vs. Culture. It starts with the broader culture and then eventually hones in on truth. This war has brought us such great titles as Harry Potter: Witchcraft Repackaged (vhs) and The Gospel According to Harry Potter. Then the ever popular DaVinci Code vs. the DaVinci Deception. Then we have Misquoting Jesus vs. Misquoting Truth (IVP). And now, finally The God Delusion vs. The Dawkins Delusion. Look closely at that last website address, I think it's pretty funny. Anyway, again nothing new here, I could have chosen plenty of other titles, God knows they exist, usually at least three Christian books in response to whatever evil book get published and becomes successful.

The main reason for these books seems to be that there's the possibility that millions of people are being duped into believing that said book is true, however, they will not be duped if we can get, or trick, them to buy and read the Christian side of the story. But let's just be honest, this never happens. People read whatever books seem interesting to them. Culture produces a fun book that everybody reads, and the the Christian culture responds by writing a book about how the culture's book is flawed. No Christian reads the original book, but can tell you how evil it is. I guess some Christians read the original book, but they don't say anything because nobody listens to them, they obviously are teetering too close to the edge and might fall away from faith at any minute.

But I wanted to talk about truth, which I'm finding hard to do at the moment. I think in order to be understood I would have to spend an entire post setting up ground rules and definitions, which, quite frankly would bore me. Maybe all I want to say is that I almost feel hopeless to have a constructive conversation about truth, but at the same time I want to talk about it. Shoot.

who's that Spartan that's iPhone-ing...

2007-07-06T11:29:00.001-07:00

It's me. It's me.

There's the new iPhone in my hand. Don't worry all my supporters, it's not mine. And although I did become embarrassingly giddy while setting it up and playing with it, I do not want one of my own. It's kind of like a ski boat or a beach house. I don't want one of my own, but I love to have friends who have such things and allow me to enjoy them. I've read way to much about the iPhone and kept up with all the hoopla, much to the detriment of my spiritual life. Yet, despite all the whining reviews (all from MSN owned sources??) and the certain shortcoming, I'm freaking impressed, as my face clearly shows.

another informative news segment

2007-06-28T23:05:00.000-07:00

I was just talking to Tina last night about how ridiculous the news has been lately. I guess that the only thing happening in the world worthy of coverage is the release of two American icons: Paris Hilton and Apple's iPhone. Bob, I hope you get some sleep out there tonight, that's some tough concrete out in front of the Cingular store.

So ONS was great. It was a little long, bless that Sabbath day, but I'm very thankful for the relationships I got to build. I definitely feel more connected to IV as a national movement.

Here's a really cool site featuring some "light graffiti" which could bring a whole new string of vandalism to a city near you.

how about disc golf

2007-06-16T10:41:00.001-07:00

My brother-in-law assures me that this course is extremely tough. I'd say my course score would validate that with an astounding 9 over par. I think it's the altitude or maybe the water that is to blame for my recent lack of finesse in the sports arena. While sport morale continues to suffer, everything else about being here has been fantastic. There is a sense of being at home, that I commented on last Christmas, which continues to grow. I am increasingly convinced of the ability for community to make location unimportant. A great place is awesome. A mediocre place (Illinois), or even a not so great place (Bakersfield?), and perhaps even a terrible place (Barstow? what?) can be the best place to live as long as you have good community. Four years, look out Seattle, we are taking you by storm.

Here's the course.

kicked my butt

2007-06-15T08:44:00.000-07:00

I just went down hard, 1-6. My brother in law took me to school this morning at 6:30. It was racquetball lessons for about 2 hours. I kept thinking that if I could get him to keep playing I might tire him out. I was wrong. How humbling, I flew 6 hours across the country and I get walloped. Even my special shoes didn't help me. I've been wanting some new Sambas and kinda eyeing the millennium edition and found some at a thrift store for 12 bucks! My size even. Kinda excited about that.

That's all, I'll post again when I've found my dignity.

a few nights ago at the airport

2007-06-15T08:43:00.000-07:00

****at the airport with no internet service****

It's 3:34am. My ears hurt from having the earphones on too long. In about a half an hour the little kiosks will hopefully open up and we can check in for our flight to Peoria. I miss staying up all night, not in the, “Gee, I wish I could do this more often” way, but after doing it I think “Oh yeah, this is what it feels like” and I look back at those painful college memories in the architecture lab with fondness, or maybe I'm just tired.

Instead of trying to sneak in a few hours of sleep and then getting dropped off at the airport at an ungodly hour, we opted for the drop-us-off-now package which includes relentless artificial lighting and the occasional tile Zamboni. I seem to have survived. Tina's out cold with the old sweatshirt on the suitcase move, curse these bench-like-torture machines and their immovable arm rests. Whoever invented these should be forced to sleep on them. Hasn't anyone in airport design been to a movie? Lift-able armrests for the love of the crick in my neck.

And in come the airport staff, what a chipper bunch. I can't feel my legs.

I'm eagerly looking forward to the other side of this flight. It's the Loveridge's in Illinois part 2, our own little summer of sequels, our first trip out was during last Christmas. We'll see if I can't improve my score on the disc golf course.

More to post later, let's go see if those kiosks are up and running yet...

last night I dreamt of...taste?

2007-05-31T10:50:00.000-07:00

Actually, I didn't. And that was an epiphany this morning. While driving to drop of Tina at a friend's house we both shared the dreams that we had last night. Mine was filled with people from church in Loyalton playing all sorts of music up front and pretty much just jamming with one another. Tina couldn't quite remember hers but it included trying to get her bike back from a shop and getting a tri-tip sandwich. I asked her how it tasted and she said she didn't know because she didn't eat it. Then my mind was practically struck by lightning as this thought entered my consciousness, I've never tasted in any dream. I'm pretty sure that's the only sense that I've never experienced in a dream. This has to be some sort of breakthrough discovery to which the authorities of Dream Forensics (too much CSI) must be alerted. Has anyone ever tasted in their dream?? Fascinating, eh?

a little nerdy

2007-05-31T10:38:00.000-07:00

I came across this interview this morning and watched about 20 minutes of it. Really it's for nerds only. Steve Jobs and Bill Gates sitting next to each other and talking about Microsoft and Apple, competition and relationship. There are a few gentle jabs and some friendly fire, but both guys are stinking smart and very professional. They seem to like each other and joke back and forth. It reminds me that all the fanfare at the Apple Expo's is just that, fanfare, it's for the people. When Jobs goes all charismatic it's to make the sale. It seems these guys are just two geniuses who love what they do. Here's one of the videos. These guys are easily the two biggest faces of technology in America and I'm blown away by the amount of innovation they possess. One last comment: I think Gates has about 1000 times as much class as Donald Trump, considering he's probably that much more wealthy.

havalina railroad co

2007-05-17T23:38:00.000-07:00

Tonight I was reminiscing with one of my friends about all the old Christian music that we used to listen to; I'm talking about way back in junior high. I thought I'd try to find some samples for him online and in the process came across this treasure: the Havalina Rail Co. The summer after my freshman year in college I lost about 72 CDs that made up my entire musical collection that I had built since about 7th grade. That collection started with, wait for it, seriously you can't possibly believe me but it's true, Shaggy - Boombastic. For real, and I'm totally prepared to stand behind that purchase, but I digress.

During that time in life, the time when I started to actually listen to music, I began to collect a random selection of little known Christian artists, some of which made it big, like Jars of Clay or Switchfoot, and some which didn't, like Chaos is the Poetry or the aforementioned Havalina Rail Co. I think Havalina Rail Co was the first CD I bought that opened me up to more non-traditional, well, non-mainstream music. There are some haunting songs in Russian Lullabies that make me think of the Decemberists. I think of that album as the beginning that has led to an appreciation for folk artists like 16 Horsepower and other (non-folk) artists like Bright Eyes and Dispatch.

Anyway, the point of this post was to get everybody, all four of you, to download the music of Havalina Rail Co. cause it's free and I like it.

A last comment: The first solo I learned on the guitar was the intro for Twilight Time.

another book

2007-05-15T15:32:00.000-07:00

That's right, I finished another book. Shoot, maybe this is just the first I've finished of all that I've mentioned. Last night after not being able to sleep because of...well, issues, I decided to trek through the remaining pages of this book. It only took me about six months to read this.

I think this book has had the greatest effect on me of all that I have read in the past five years, probably because it's the most self-validating for me. The author's voice is my voice, one that is constantly analytical, and in the end, flawed. I love the idea that Quality is the cause/creator of everything and it must remain undefinable, because whenever it is defined, a part of it is lost and it ceases to be the first cause. I had a two hour discussion with my friend Amos on the way back from Vegas at about 2am all about the book and how it applies to spirituality and Christianity. I miss those types of conversations.

I realize that the reason I enjoyed the book so much was because it was just like one of those 2am conversations. It was like having a friend who thought and processed the same way as I do and whenever I wanted to discuss life I could just open the book. Perhaps that's why I'm feeling a little sad to be finished reading it. Now I'll have to wait for another couple of months or so in order to have one of those fulfilling conversations. One that I don't have to entirely initiate and carry the weight of in order for it to continue. I think one of the things that brings me the most sadness is not being able to communicate. I want somebody to initiate the long 2 hour conversation where all we talk about is ideas. This is my love language and although it may seem dull, it is what brings me greatest joy. It's how I feel like I've connected with someone, talking about things bigger than ourselves, marveling about great concepts, trying to bring them into practicality without loosing their greatness. It's my attempt at experiencing Quality. Without it I feel alone.

stories and questions

2007-05-03T12:14:00.000-07:00

In my attempt to become more familiar with the emergent church and the ideas floating around it, I've picked up this book that I found at a local Christian bookstore. It was market down to 5 buck on sale. So far I've read the introduction and the first chapter. Immediately it's easy to see that the people writing in this book are tired of the typical American institution of "church" and are looking for it somewhere else. I've discovered in other books and a few podcasts the recurring themes of story and question. People who would associate themselves with emergent seem to value the telling of stories, their own and others. Also, there is a need to be able to ask questions, even about, or maybe specifically about, understanding doctrine.

I'm already starting to identify with the people in this book because they want to be able to find a place where it is safe to asks questions. A place where it is safe to ask questions about homosexuality, about faith, about knowledge, without being labeled a liberal or backsliding in your faith. I want to ask questions without the pretense that we already have perfect understanding of the answers. I think in some cases I've been allowed to be inquisitive, just as long as I admit that I won't change my mind about what everybody must agree is the truth.

What I begin to see, rather quickly, is that there is a strong force, even in myself, to stay away from questions about core beliefs. I think this force is fear. It's fear that I might change my mind, fear that I may disagree with a whole institution and fear of the consequences of that. Fear that I'll be outcast and considered lost. Maybe these fears are good in some sense. I mean, if I truly believe something there is no reason why I should question it all the time just for the sake of questioning, is there?

Maybe what I'm feeling is that I'm afraid that I am unaware of how deeply I believe something until it gets questioned and I am not allowed to wrestle with that questioning and still be considered a good Christian. Or maybe I'm afraid that if I am questioning I can't prove to myself that I'm a good Christian because the whole standard for our institutional church is something that I've really bought into to the point that my own security depends on it.

So what is my story? What is my actual testimony? I'm afraid that if I was to have a small group discussion on this topic instead of my acquired knowledge of Christianity and faith, that perhaps it would be a short one. Not because God hasn't done anything in my life, but because I've grown up in a system that says my understanding and position on certain truths and my ability to communicate them intellectually, is more important than how I've experienced and been shaped by those truths.

What's next? I want to find a group of people that can discuss all of these things without fearing a prayer intervention to protect my wavering salvation status. I also want to be more bold about initiating this with people because I know that my own fear of being insecure in myself is greater than being deemed an outsider by others. Perhaps that connects to my concern towards the emergent church, there seems to be a rejection of the modern church but the response is not to stay and interact with those still there. We have to distance ourselves before we can blame the group that we were apart of.

at the gym...

2007-04-25T17:15:00.000-07:00

Instead of powering through the last bit of the talk I'm working on for Friday, I've decided, this is an opportune time to break the long silence that has fallen over this blog.

So I was just at the gym and this is who I see. Well, not this guy exactly, but plenty of guys that look just like him. This gets me thinking. This gym is just like how I too often view ministry. I'm sitting here looking at my own arms, my legs and thinking, what am I even doing here. I'm stuck out here on the machines because I can't get myself to go through the opening in the corner of the gym that leads into the holy sanctuary of free weights. I ventured over there today and quickly dodged the glances from Sven and Butch by pretending I was on my way to the water fountain. Yeah, that's what I need, more water. I'm overcome with this feeling; I don't belong here. I'm not fit, at least as not as much as this guy is. I don't have my six-pack or hair gel pass.

This is how being a Christian feels sometimes. I look around and think that I don't belong here. Look at all this sin around my midsection. I've got no stamina when it comes to faith. Sure I know how to clothe myself so that I look all spiritually buff underneath, but throw some weights at me and I just crumble in fear that somebody will see that I'm only lifting 120....okay 100.

Part of my wishes that Jesus would just show up and ask me to go jogging. Let's get the heck out of here, there are other ways to git fit. But how do I explain this to all the other Christians. I always get the same questions: "So how much are you benching these days? How many sit-ups can you do? How many souls have come to Jesus through your ministry? What big event have you pulled off and had written about in the last regional update?" If I'm not in the gym there's no way to answer these questions. What's scary is that I know I can't always tell if the voice asking these questions is coming from those around me or if it's all in my own screwed-up pride-damaged mind.

What bothers me most is the fact that I want to become this guy pictured right here. I really do. For now, I'll think of ways to either bring him down or dismiss him, all the while secretly wishing I was just like him.

Sure, I'd also like to break out of here and run far far away from the whole system, but out there is the unknown. Is it really faithful if nobody else recognizes it? Is it really progress if I'm the only one who feels it? Is it really authentic if nobody understands?

on an art rant

2007-01-27T22:04:00.000-08:00

I just watched Garden State with the director's commentary, Zach Braff along with Natalie Portman. This probably qualifies me some "geek" or "nerd" title, which I'll accept gracefully. I love knowing why. You understand right? It's not all the little trivia facts (like that Natalie Portman had never played a vinyl record before the movie and had to be shown how to "put one on" for a scene) but it's the why that I enjoy. I love to listen to people talk about why they did something, granted they have something to significant to say. Of course, there's a little bit, okay a lot, of this being about validating my own desire to explain myself. I love to explain myself. (Which of course leads to meeting the need of wanting to be known.) So movies, good ones like Garden State, fascinate me because they say so much about us, about people, about relationships, without saying it directly, or at least without loosing the feeling, or the essence. I've been thinking about this a lot lately. About art.

Here's what I have so far.

I'll use the movie Crash as an example. The movie is all about the complexity of racism and racial brokenness. The film conveys the truth about racism is a much more accurate way, I think, that a seminar on racism would. Because the movie is art and not just facts, it contains both truth and the essence of what that truth looks like or would feel like if experienced. Someone I know who just watched the film said they thought it was good but that it was unbelievable because of the connections between the characters, the way each characters story overlapped with the others was too coincidental to be realistic. But I think the movie isn't supposed to be realistic, it's supposed to be truthful. You can't make something that is only two hours long convey the truth and complexity of actually reality. In order to look at reality in it's entirely, something has to be fake, unrealistic, pretend, in order to convey not the same reality, but the same truth. This a mystery of Art. Art takes something that is unrealistic to convey the truth about the realistic. Of course realistic things are involved in the process, but facts have to be bent and broken in order to convey the meaning or essence, truth.

Something like that. Still processing.

Here's a cool tangent. It's portraits of people, many over 100 years old. Facinating to think about their lives.

welcome to chicago

2006-12-23T09:08:00.000-08:00

It was 3am when we landed, and we still had a three and a half hour drive in front of us. Luckily, neither of us were responsible for the driving. Before the (second) trip began, our destination being Morton, IL, I got my first "Oasis" experience. Here in the Mid-West, is Illinois considered Mid-West?, they have these stops along the freeway that look like an overpass but instead of being a bridge for cars, it's a covered mini-mall-food-court complete with Starbuck's, McDonald's, and others restaurants, and oh yeah, a gas station. Unfortunately for us, the only thing open at, now 4am, was McDonald's and nothing looked too appealing even at that hour.

The drive continued with the occasional conversation which, like it always does, seems to always end with no distinguishable, yet mutually agreed upon signal.

Next stop was Judy's, a little diner with old metal signs surrounding the eating area and all for sale with what must be a holiday discount. I had eggs and hashbrowns and a hot chocolate. Our waitress was very nice.

When we reached our destination, our in-laws house, I went upstairs and went fast to sleep.

Since then I've played a round of disc golf on my first Mid-West 18 hole course, watched two movies, three episodes of Grey's Anatomy, played two games of Carcassonne (look it up, it's a great game), sat through three present openings, a church service, and washed the same dishes about three times.

In Summary: I love my brother and sister-in-law. They are great people to be around. I'm not sure if it feels like whatever Christmas is supposed to feel like, but it does feel like family. I miss my family and wish I could be with them, but this is a good alternative. I'm not sure if I'm ready to staff Urbana, but here we go. I think I've come up with a good New Year resolution, but I'll post that later.

perfect moment

2006-11-04T12:12:00.000-08:00

Here I am at an independent (free-trade-promoting/selling) coffee shop in downtown Bakersfield listening to Brett Dennen on Pandora writing a blog while utilizing the shop's free wi-fi. If this isn't the perfect moment in my blogging life...

Recently, at work, that's my CAD Assist* work, I've been listening to some podcasts. Here are my top two favorites so far.

- Jacob Wobbrock talks about relational truth
(This guy has a great grasp on filling in all the reality behind the clicke "it's not a religion, it's a relationship." For anyone who thinks the church is hypocritical in this claim, here's a good talk on what at least we hope we are pursuing.)

- Conrad Gempf
(This one requires iTunes and a little searching, it's a two part series entitled "Luke 7:36-49" & "In the Court Yard." If good storytelling does it for you listen and enjoy)

Those observant among you will realize that both these links are associated with Emergent, one from the states and the other from our friends across the pond in the UK. Last year I discipled a student who if you mentioned "emergent" reacted like you had just spit in his face, and although he isn't catholic, pretty much did all but cross himself in response to the contageous evil spraying from the term. Needless to say, the Emergent movement brings with it as much controversy as any new...uh...emerging "fad" of Christianity. It seems you either love or hate, let's see: dancing, rock guitars and drums in worship, 40 days of Purpose, 7 ways to be soooo successful or the best you or how to dance, and now Brian McClaren, just a second while I cross myself. Here's what I love about the Emergent Conversation, as "they" would call it: It's a conversation. People are in dialogue about some serious issues like homosexuality, justice and the poor, Jesus and politics. Anytime those seen as religious are able to have intellectual conversations about something that has ramifications outside the doors of our safe church haven, without shouting or dividing immediately, I'm for it.

Here's the deal, anytime open dialogue happens, it sure sounds a lot more like relationship than religion. If we can talk about things with people who disagree with us, we're actually allowing for relationships to happen, instead of forcing doctrine or dogma down peoples throats. I just as strongly agree that we need to hold our beliefs intact, I do believe certain things are absolute truth, and if I were to give those up I would cease to bring anything to the relationship. However, holding too tightly to those ideas, so tightly that I can't talk about their validity rationally, is a symptom of fear. Fear that I might end up loosing those convictions or worse, allowing somebody else to believe that I'm actually condoning something I'm against. Love allows for vulnerability which says I'll hold on to my beliefs / convictions lightly knowing that the truth is stronger than my grasp to it. I trust that Jesus will be responsible to affirm truth, not my ability to reason. Perhaps that vulnerability, that love, will allow somebody else to loosen their grasp on what they believe is truth, and in that moment, that perfect moment of relationship, the Truth will set us both free.

*I have finally given in to the reality that I am not an Architect's Assistant. I'm not sure that even sounds better than CAD assistant. All I do is draw lines. 5 years of Architecture school at one of the top public architecture colleges in the nation, and now lines, lots of lines....

what's in a box?

2006-10-17T22:43:00.000-07:00

Pandora.com is currently my favorite web site. Check out this blog by a good friend from whom I learned about the site. About a week ago the office internet at MS Walker went down and with it all our SPAM and web filtering. I had tried to access Pandora at work but it only received the infuriating "Access Denied" page to delight my screen. However, through some fluke, dare I say divine intervention, once the internet problem at work was resolved, I have full access to Pandora and all it's treasure. For the last six days of work I've listened to music non-stop. Result: increased CAD proficiency, positive worker moral, minor embarrassing moments of being caught either singing along or breaking into a drum solo. This may just be the best music site ever. Listen to this for a while if you want. It's a station based on about six different artists.

chaos vs. whatever is it that other people do

2006-09-16T13:53:00.000-07:00

I am not a planner. Let me rephrase that: I make plans, but I never actually expect then to happen. I don't mean the whole, never have expectations so that you never get disappointed, which is actually never admit that you have expectations and then when those don't get met, pretend like your not disappointed, stuff it down deep inside you and wait until it finally bursts out and either ruins a relationship or remains inside but turns you into a bitter monster.

No, I have plans, I have expectations, but I'm just used to them getting changed. Let's stay on the surface here. I'm talking about plans like you and me and Jeremy will meet at 2:00 and then go do this and then this which fits perfectly into the allotted time that we have before the babysitting is up. But then, inevitably, You, Me, and Jeremy becomes You, Me, Jeremy, Peter and Steve. And 2:00 becomes 2:30 and maybe even a little later. And if we're lucky, we still get to go play nine wholes instead of 18.

This I am used to. I admit, I even am often the instigator of such "transformations" to the plan. Let me just say for the record, I realize that this totally irritates those who are much better at keeping to the plan. I'm sorry. I apologize. I'm working on it, but part of me, deep down, has already accepted the fact that this will probably never change about me. It's something that I think is good in some cases, and not so good in others.

Now, let's try to par today huh?

at what point does this become fake

2006-09-04T11:23:00.000-07:00

Every Sunday I think about this, which probably speaks more about my own spirituality and self discipline than anything else, why don't they just give in and buy a sign? I know the intentions are good and this totally works for people. Shoot, it works for me, when I am feeling totally reverent to somebody or something, I guess I stand. But here's the confusion: The only other time that I can think of in this culture when we stand is at concerts or at the end of performances or a show. I know that many of the people in church are from a different generation than myself and have it built in that standing up is a sign of respect. So, if me standing up at church during worship is only to stand in unification with those worshippers who stand, I'm all for it, and for all I know, that should be as far as I think about it, now accept it and move on.

But there seems to be something more, at least I like to make something more out of it. Somewhere, deep down, I feel manipulated. Is it just my ego saying, "Hey, I'm an individual. I make my own choices, I'm not feeling the spirit enough to raise my hands right now, so I'm not going to"? Is it my fear saying, "If you don't stand you are less spiritual, and everybody else is taking notes right now and you will forever be known as the rebellious punk who thinks he's too good to stand up, we should pray for him." Or, this one's my favorite, because it requires no conviction or repentance on my part, it's my amazing discernment saying, "This is not authentic worship. Not everybody worships this way. It's forcing people to only express themselves through this culture's traditions and instead of creating members of the body, it's creating conformists who have the inability to truly experience communion with the Father."

This isn't fooling anybody that may walk in off the streets, which they probably wouldn't because they'd have to get through the maze of new construction, welcome tents, and registration cards where they will be made to feel like everybody is so nice to me but I bet it will only last as long as this forced five minute conversation and then I'll just learn to act like I know where I'm going and then nobody will ever say hello to me accept when they are forced to by the infamous 'greet your neighbor' command when again nobody really even knows my name or offers there's after which I feel awkward because when is it socially acceptable in this new group to sit down and can I really even meet somebody anyway in thirty seconds and no I won't raise my hand because I'm new so you can give my your program that's supposed to replace meeting a real person and why is everybody standing now did I miss the sign?? where's the sign?? oh there it is, hey that's helpful.

crikey

2006-09-04T01:24:00.000-07:00

I just heard this news on the TV and I am seriously sad. This man seemed so gentle and loving. I'm sure towards the end of most conversations something will slip in about how it should have been expected, but regardless, this is very sad.

new things

2006-09-02T14:55:00.000-07:00

I don't like the fact that I am obsessed with new things. Blame it on our consumer culture or my "that's mine" pride, but it's ridiculous. I can hide the more blatant appearances of the "gotta have it" ego because I simply can't afford it, which makes me feel the ever popular false humility. However, it's always the small stuff that sneaks through my look-like-a-christian filter. This week it's the shampoo and body-wash. I'm one of those people who has never settled on a particular brand, or if I do I'm always checking out the new releases. I've got the old spice deodorant but that Axe looks so cool and have you seen the commercials? Shameless, entirely shameless. I'd never give into such low, women degrading, marketing, but...well I wouldn't buy it because of the commercials, just the price, sure...

But I digress, this is how it works:

For the first time in a long while I actually remembered to get some new body wash and shampoo before I was completely out. I bring it home, but it in the shower, and now it takes every ounce of will power to keep using the old stuff until it's gone. Why is that? Nobody will even know that I'm using the new stuff, but darn it, I want to use it so bad. What's going on here? It's wasteful to use the new stuff, it's not logical, it's soooo tempting though. I don't even know what the temptation is? So of course, I'm using the old shampoo and body wash, and feeling really smug about it, but I'm using it more liberally than ever before. It takes more shampoo now that I just shaved my head, wait that's stupid.

My nature is lame.

cheaper than clubs

2006-09-01T13:11:00.000-07:00

I just won these two beauties on eBay; my first disc golf purchase. I've only played four times, all on the same 9-hole course in San Luis Obispo two days before my wedding, but I immediately loved it. I have to clarify that it was the first time that I had played "disc" golf, which is distinctly different than "frisbee" golf, and if you're around serious "disc" people they may throw their "disc" at you if you call it a "frisbee." If the "disc" hits you, you'll immediately learn the difference between said "disc" and a "frisbee." although the "disc" and "frisbee" are often the same mass, the "disc" is smaller and harder and more painful when "caught" by any part of the body. As soon as the "discs" arrive, I'm going to go play here.

the only store you'll ever need

2006-08-18T00:23:00.000-07:00

Today Tina and I had two new tires put on the car, then Tina went to the optometrist, then we went and bought a hairdryer with a really cool diffuser on it, and then we got our pictures developed. The best part is, we did all of that at one store. Costco is ridiculous. It's amazing. It's the only place I know of where you can by a crib and a coffin, or where you buy enough alcohol for a ship of sailors and a car. Us Americans can get season 2 of Lost, a high-def DVD recorder to watch it on and record season 3, a frickin' huge 65" high def plasma flat screen TV to watch it on, a nice leather couch to sit on to watch the entire season. Then after starring at a plasma screen for all 1056 minutes of season 2, you can buy this nice luxury cherry casket to lay your body in.

I could have gone on for longer, but I'm supposed to go to bed. I seriously wanted to get something from every category on the website.

communion

2006-08-17T22:18:00.000-07:00

I love that God decided to use bread and wine as a part of a communion. I'm going to go have some right now. Not for communion, but just because I love bread and wine.

Depth

2006-08-16T22:11:00.000-07:00

Here I am at the Grand Canyon sporting a very attractive "shirt rag" to keep the heat off. It's all about depth here at the GC (that's what all the hip chaps call it, or so I uh...made up). I love the effect looking into a big whole has on the mind. I think it's most staggering because I rarely ever have so much space defined for me. I see freaking huge buildings and am totally impressed. I've seen the zoom-out at the end of Indiana Jones - Raiders of the Lost Ark when they show the massive warehouse, and been shocked by the enormity of the space. I've looked out of an airplane window and seen hundreds of miles stretching out into a slight curve. But, only at the Grand Canyon am I still freaked out by the sheer amount of space. I had to continually look at it just to make sure of what I'm not quite sure. I don't think my mind could comprehend how much space I was trying to grasp. How many pennies? How much water? How many McDonald's PlayPen balls? How long would it take to fill it with trash? To find the answer to the last one go here. I want to go back and hike down to the bottom, we didn't get to do that this time. It's funny how many signs there are telling you not to try to hike down and back in the same day. My favorite was a poster that asked you if you could run a marathon, and then went into detail about the fate of a woman who could yet died trying to make the round trip. But come on, I've hiked, like, at least once this year, and only had to stop once going up Bishop's Peak, I'm sure I could make it.

find me inspiration

2006-07-25T15:31:00.000-07:00

For this post I decided I would try to find some image and then hopefully inspiration would lead me to write some fantastic blog. I think I'm totally misunderstanding the whole point of a blog right now. Ah...screw it.

This is something that I want to be a part of. Ever since I started architecture school I hoped there would be some niche for me. I never felt like I fit in completely with all the other design students. My dad doesn't run his own firm, I've never worked a day in an office, I actually make fun of corporate people. (Except when I'm around my friends who work at big corporate places, but that's another post.) I love to design. Period.

My biggest struggle throughout school was trying to convince myself that architecture isn't just a luxury. It has practical applications for the average person. I want to believe there is power is creating great space. I want to believe that architecture can help transform things. Life is better when there is design. Somewhere along the bridge between art and architecture there is a path that people can walk that inspires change, provides perspective, and allows for a spark that could lead to transformation, even redemption. I've read a book about how the built environment effects the soul. It was convincing and a little "out there." These people see architecture how I want to. So do these.

good sounds

2006-07-24T11:44:00.000-07:00

I love this sound. Good harmony, good music, simple sound. Sometimes I wish I was a millionaire just so I could buy all the music that I wanted. I make myself feel justified by how appreciative I am of the creative spirit. Maybe I just want to surround myself with things I like that will in turn justify my own existence and validate my value. That's what I was thinking of the other day. I mean I was thinking about the internet and how there has to be a blog or fan site or club for just about everything. No longer is anyone alone. If you think Harrison Ford should be president, or you always misuse quotation marks, or you're obsessed about when you might die, you can find other people on the web to validate you.

The down side is that the more everything gets documented and broadcast, the more things get labeled, the easier it is to label me and stick me a group with about fifty other people "that are" exactly the same. Which reveals the dilemma I have of wanting to be validated by a particular group, yet not wanting to be defined by all of what gets attached to that group.

My theory is that it is this type of thinking that is one of the primary causes of division in the church. It is also this thinking that causes people to attend church but not get too involved. Our culture perpetuates this thinking and instead of the church sticking to the gospel and portraying the unity of believers, it fragments. Instead of offering a haven to those who are looking to be valued as individuals, it becomes another factory of similarity, a group from which you will be defined in order to be accepted.

Wedding and Warcraft

2006-07-20T17:53:00.000-07:00

So this is all I have to show for my months of absence from the blogging scene. No, I haven't been playing this game with the millions of other MMORPGers, although, truth be told, I honestly can't say that I wouldn't want too. For some reason I really love the idea of these games and have a hard time not secretly envying my friends who get good at these games and still retain a somewhat normal level of socializing in the real world. I also secretly fear that I could easily become addicted and become a total escapist.

I'd like to spend this entire blog ranting about how married life is and what a huge step it's been and all of the crazy revelations I've had about life now that what seemed to be it's most incredible goal has been obtained, but I'm still a little confused to be honest. All I have for now is that marriage changes absolutely everything and yet, it doesn't change anything at all. That sounds even lamer that it did in my head. I hate it when somebody says something like that in an attempt to sound deep and profound. Now that I married my conscious has a voice and it says, "No World of Warcraft for you. James, don't give him the password." Bugger.

censorship

2006-04-28T18:11:00.000-07:00

I hate that I sometimes write two or three sentences and then think about how it's going to be read, then delete them and start over. I hate that I hold back even on a blog where only about four people really know who I am. I buy the illusion that if nobody actually knew who I was then I could say whatever I wanted, but then I realize that none of the stuff I said would even matter.

So what do I want. I censor myself all the time but what I really want is to be totally uncensored and be accepted. Let's get real general real quick: that's what everyone wants, to be exactly who they are and have that be enough.

I've been challenged recently, usually in the form of some sentence packed neatly between mouth fulls of random conversation. I'm hungry for some hard truth. I think I actually crave some righteous discipline. I want somebody to have some word for me, a hard one to say, but a good one with some mustard on it. (Bendemire, if you ever read this, I got that from you.)

I want to hurt again, but with a purpose. Not the hurt for the sake of pain, but the hurt for the sake of healing. Maybe this is my blue period, but I'm living with the paradigm that good quality life soon comes at the expense of risk and cost now. That's generic, but not to be confused with "no pain, no gain."

I just read part of a friends blog who doesn't know that I am aware that she is the author. It's ridiculously honest and my heart longs for the same authenticity. I saw it in a woman this weekend that we blessed as she left IV staff to go to Nigeria, I believe, to help run an orphanage or something. This woman, ironically also mentioned in my friends blog, possesses the same authentic quality where the moment you here her speak and her eyes see yours, you know deep down this is the real deal.

Both of these women seem amazing to me because although I know they struggle with being real and honest about themselves, they are beyond me and I cannot deny how much I could learn from them. They both have my deepest respect. I trust my life in their hands.

What's confusing for me is understanding how I feel about that. I don't know what to call it. It is an attraction, but more like a..... Here, it's like I know that if I would follow this crazy light it would lead me to the source and it is through my craving for the source that I am delighted in them. This delight in no way compares for my desire for the source, yet it is still a good delight because I know that it is one bestowed on them by the source.

Hm.

homelessness is not a crime

2006-04-14T19:45:00.000-07:00

just a quick note...after spending the last week at FUMP (Fresno Urban Mission Project) with a bunch of students I committed to attempting to "establish justice at the gate" Amos 5:15

introspectator

2006-03-04T15:56:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I feel so self-conscious it's ridiculous. My friend sent me this cartoon that I thought was really clever-crazy-creative. But I just now realized how much I feel like the person in the cartoon. I'm always stepping back in perspective to see what's going on. After I do something, I step back and look at it. It's like being a soccer player scoring a goal, then stepping back to the person who made the assist, then stepping back to the crowd, the mom, the coach, then stepping back to outside the sports complext and wondering about the people watching, then stepping back to the city, and so on. Eventually you get to great questions about humanity and existance, which for a while make me feel really good because I'm pondering great things. But eventually I desire to kick the ball again and I'm not sure if I can get back there, or if anybody even knows what I'm talking about after all that. Then I fear that maybe the reason I even step out of the game is because I'm afraid, and then I step back to the crowd wondering why is that guy afraid, then I step back to humanity and get lost again. I'm a spiral. Here's the cartoon.

why I love the internet

2006-03-02T15:31:00.000-08:00

This is a picutre of an outfit this lady created in order to keep the cow from being abducted. Part of the caption read, "You can't take what you can't see." So true. I stole the picture from this great web site. This is one of the funniest sites I have ever seen. This is what makes the internet so great.

church smurch

2006-02-12T16:18:00.000-08:00

Another disappointing Sunday. I find that again I spent the day distancing myself from the "christian culture image." In addition to not wearing faith proclaiming shirts or plastering my car with clever bumper stickers, license plate covers, fish, etc, I sit in a Sunday service and I act like an outsider. This Sunday is another compelling argument to what? To try harder. All we Christians seem to say is that we need to be better at... we need to think more... we need to act more like... we need to actually believe more... we need to be more... But the question I don't ever seem to feel like is answered very well is how. How? I feel like I just sat through a mental bashing that attempts to compel me to be more psychologically conditioned to respond a specific way in an particular situation. That doesn't sound very liberating. No wonder the church is avoided by those who are struggling with anything. They already know they are incapable of psychologically conditioning themselves to do anything. How about the suffering, the addicted, the hopeless, the helpless, the homeless. Our message of trying harder is only a slap in the face. Maybe we throw out a "Jesus is the answer" and it's "by His power we can accomplish all things." But that's the extent of the message. Where's the how? Until the How gets manifested through a loving community that loves first and asks questions later I don't see how anybody would believe that Jesus is worth anything more than a catchy slogan that both isolates and patronizes. And lets not forget the multitude of true believers who instead of being encouraged and blessed, they get a western-ized slap in the butt that disappointingly concedes "try harder next time." Let's teach people to fish, not just tell them they're supposed to be good fisherman.

i'll take that

2006-02-07T21:46:00.000-08:00

Riding home from the gym I discovered why I have such a hard time making hard decisions. I had to have passed at least twelve fast food restaurants. Everything I could ever want is at my fingertips. All I have to do is have some money, and I can have whatever I want, however I want it, and there is this whole lower-middle class of people who have to serve it to me. I am in complete control of everything. Until a tough decision comes my way.

Which Christian decided that in every situation there is a right choice and a wrong choice? Maybe it wasn't a Christian, but somewhere in my upbringing I subconsciously adopted that belief. I know it wasn't my parent's fault, they are smarter than that. Somewhere, perhaps my own fallen-pride-arrogant complex, I simplified everything into right or wrong. But that seems to be rarely the case these days. Things are so complicated. I just made a huge decision that had good and bad things, right and wrong, about both options. I chose the one I thought was best. But I chose into loosing control of certain things, and I think that's what both scares the crap out of me and simultaneously gives me the greatest sense of liberty.

Maybe we American's, under the great quest of capitalism and consumerism and purchasing power, are unknowingly heading away from freedom. We are moving towards total control, and total lack of liberty. How ironic we are indeed.

hollow man

2006-01-31T01:00:00.000-08:00

It's that feeling when you've stayed up super late and haven't moved for the last three hours. The invention of the computer is weird in that you can do so much without moving anything but your fingers. My mind is telling me that I have just accomplished an amazing task and written someting possibly worthy of being published, yet my body says, "What...uh... you're still awake? Dude, I shut down ages ago. You want me to do what now!!? (do the question marks or exclamations usually go first?? anyone?)"

So here I sit. I'll convince my body to move and go to bed, after I convince it it's not already there.

I'll continue my search for meaning and purpose tomorrow. Now I must sleep.

Feeling Down

2006-01-29T17:48:00.000-08:00

I have a complaint to make. It's not acceptable to be sad. Since when is it that? It's like we believe if somebody is sad it's because something is wrong. If something is wrong, it's because there is a problem. If there is a problem, we can and must do everything to fix it. If somebody is sad for longer than, I guess a second, it's because somebody isn't fixing something. Not being able to fix something is wrong. We're American's darn it. We sent people to the moon. We invented light bulbs. We invented penicillin. We can fix anything. Why are you sad? You are not reinforcing the American Dream if you are sad. You are denying our super power to fix everything. STOP BEING SAD!! You're making me uncomfortable. If you were a good person you wouldn't be sad. If you were smarter, you wouldn't be sad. If you just had more faith, you wouldn't be sad.

Maybe if we didn't have a society where the only people who at least pretend to listen charge over $120 an hour, less people would be sad, or at least if they were sad they would feel okay to share it with the group and not fear being an outcast.

remembering

2006-01-29T00:51:00.000-08:00

Why is it that whenever I'm trying to think of something I can't remember it: a song I really like and would like to purchase now, a book I'd like to read but the second I entered the library it vanished, what I'd like to get for Christmas or my birthday, which actually is today (although its 1am on what still feels like the 28th), and other things, like how to end a sentence with an actual strong point.

aging

2006-01-29T00:30:00.000-08:00

I'm getting older tomorrow. I guess that's how it works. We celebrate birthdays weird here in the west, I guess it's because we disregard the old as useless. Ironic that we are all at a pretty crisp pace heading towards that faithful end towards "uselessness."

I never know what to do for my birthday. Everyone always asks and I never know what to respond. And then they get disappointed if you don't have any good answers. It's like people are disappointed in you for not having planned a huge event and taking advantage of the "Well it's your birthday you should get to do everything you want, right?" clause. Which, by the way, doesn't exist. The moment you invoke it is the moment it disappears.

I'm going to sleep, my writing is starting to stink.

decisions

2006-01-27T16:48:00.000-08:00

I realize that I don't really have a process that I follow to make a decision. Well, that's not entirely true; I don't have an intentional process that I follow. All I know is that at some point I'm making a decision and often I don't feel prepared, or worse, I do and I'm still not sure if I'm doing the right thing.

My mom always reminds me of this time when I was a kid. I still remember it as if it were yesterday. I had to choose between going on a week trip with my family that happened every year, one that I really enjoyed, or staying home and going to a friends birthday party and doing some other things. I think it was my first ever big decision. I distinctly remember standing in between our kitchen and the living room and complaining, "Why do I always have to make hard decisions?" I was almost in tears.

Now a decade or more later the only difference is that I don't tear up, at least when anyone is watching. Why do I have to make all the hard decisions? Does it even matter what I do. I won't be crazy, I won't be totally irresponsible, I won't be stupid. Tell me that it really doesn't matter what I do as long as it makes me happy. Tell me that it's okay to just make a decision because God's in control anyway and He's going to make use of you wherever you are. Tell me any of those things and I'll laugh in your face. I don't know. I want to believe that because I thought about something for ten days and then decided something, that that process makes the decision better than if I had decided the same thing with only two days of thought. Now that's crazy.

I'm not smart enough to make big decisions, but I am smart enough, I think, to realize that it's better for me to make them then let somebody else. In the long run, I will be a better person more capable of making hard decisions. My life will be more enjoyable than if I just do whatever the smartest person in the room tells me to do. Maybe the smartest person in the room could tell me and I could just say that's what I was thinking anyway. There I go again wanting my to eat my cake. I want somebody else to live my life, but I want to live it. That's an interesting complex that's got to have some cosmic ramifications. Or I'm just like everybody else.

discipline

2005-12-30T16:01:00.000-08:00

I don't have it. I simply can't seem to squelch my desire to be spontaneous, especially when it requires less planning and organization. I have a hard time believing that all my personality traits are inherently "okay." So what do I accept as "that's just the way I am" and when do I say "I don't care if you've been like that your whole life, it sucks and you should change.?" Is conviction really conviction if you don't do anything about it? Is that the difference between knowledge and understanding?

Does it matter that I can't consistently update a blog? Does it matter that I again started something only to let it slip away because it no longer was appealing because it went from spontaneous to organized? If it's just a web site I say, in the words of a great man, "Blow it off." But what if in my quest for spontaneity (motivated by laziness?) I inadvertently become consistently idle. How does somebody change? Is it through discipline? What if you aren't disciplined?

I'm afraid that if I decide to attack a certain characteristic by becoming mechanically disciplined I'll loose all sense of spontaneity and deny my adventurous nature. Ultimately, I'll afraid of being bored. Which, ironically, due to lack of planning and organization, I am currently suffering from boredom during the holidays which has driven me to write this post. It's like a self-defense mechanism that always throws me back into the game, even if I don't get to handle the ball. There some ridiculously merciless force that won't allow me to get out of the game, even when I don't want to play. At this point I'll stop before I loose myself in the obscure land of analogy and allegory. I was being redundant for the sake of alliteration, is that okay even if the words are used entirely with correctness? Who cares, happy freakin' New Year.

Art and Fear

2005-11-09T18:37:00.000-08:00

I just started reading a book that I randomly selected at a library titled Art and Fear. I also randomly picked up another book at a different library and read it. It was really short. It was the English translation of the speech that Alexander Solzhenitsyn gave when he received the Nobel Prize. It was quite fascinating. Both talked a lot about Art...sure, with a capital "A". Alex said art will save humanity. I suppose that has a lot to do with how you define art and humanity.

There can't be anything artistic about me sitting here writing this while there are plenty of other things that need to get done. I must get them done. I'll leave you with this quote:

"'Artist' has gradually become a form of identity which (as every artist knows) often carries with it as many drawbacks as benefits. Consider that if artist equals self, then when (inevitably) you make flawed art, you are a flawed person, and when (worse yet) you make no art, you are no person at all!"

Perhaps this is why I hesitate to call myself an artist.

(I'm going to attempt to not use the word "perhaps" for at least 5 posts.)

Renewal

2005-10-27T22:14:00.000-07:00

There is such a huge need for renewal. I've decided that I care much more about renewal than something new. I'd much rather see someone who has had a whole lot of crap in their life go through a renewal process than just turn into something new. Well, part of me does. Maybe my theology starts to add some Symantec problems with that statement, but definitional arguments aside, I believe that I prefer redemption to restarting. The whole idea of a second chance is pathetic. A second chance is just another opportunity to experience the failure that's inevitable. Redemption is much more real to me...much more authentic. Deep down that's what I want life to be. I want it to be total recognition of everything that I am and then enough care and love for my identity to be made perfect. I want to be perfect. That's not too much to ask is it?

Be careful what you ask for...

2005-10-20T17:56:00.000-07:00

So it's been said many times in the past and aparently for good reason. A couple of days ago I said, "Gee, I wish there was more to what's going on here. I want more than just the normal." Now what I meant to make clear was that I was sick of all the mundane stuff and wanted there to be some greater cause, so greater vision, some greater call for me to follow. Let me be involved with greater things I asked.

Somewhere things got fouled up and what I got was just more crap to do. So why I get what I say and not what I mean frustrates me. Why I get anything at all baffles me.

Today somebody told me that Rome has the longest peroid of peace the world has ever known, it was 200 years. I wonder what it was like.

It's Over

2005-10-16T18:10:00.000-07:00

Technically, it's just beginning - However, the prideful resistance to remain separate from the blog world has come to an end, a rather anti-climatic end, which I guess is the end that most, if not all, prideful resistances most enevitably come.

I do admit however that I really appreciate the whole idea of a blog, if anything, the simple concept that hopefully I'll be validating in some form my way of thinking and expression. I love to journal and perhaps the thought that maybe somebody somewhere is finding what I write interesting enough to look at than I'll be more encouraged to write it. I assume that at least for the first few months or years of a blog only close friends will check to read, but maybe that's what I secretly want, is for my close friends to read my thoughts, and then it saves me the effort to do it face to face and be misunderstood.

I wish I wasn't the kind of person who started their first post on a blog talking about blogs and why they are created or what's so great about them. I wish I was cool enough to be able to just start writing something random and be that confident about it. But I prefer honesty over appearance, or at least I'm supposed to and I think that most of the time I really do, so in order to support that I'll make a rule that I'll never delete something that I have written, or decide after thinking twice about what I have said that I shouldn't post it.

Rule 2: Please do the same.

Oh....why sign each blog as "son"? I'm not sure...I guess it's the identity that is one of the most accurate telling who I am, but that I know the least about what it actually means. I'd like to explore more what does it mean that I am somebody's son, so signing each post as that will help me remember.

I just remembered that you will be able to post stuff too, hmm....

A happy congratulations to two of my favorite people as they celebrate a very special occation today. You made the first post.